It feels like Something Died

I had a regroup session with my company in-house team today.  All this craziness in our company's life - nearly going bankrupt, finding new buyers, retrenching staff, me missing for two months on sick leave, John-the-Narc leading the company in my absence and creating triangulation and mistrust everywhere - it's caused a huge amount of concern in the team that's stayed.

My team is feeling undisciplined, unruly, lackadaisical and unmotivated and it feels like time to start talking it through. I wanted today to begin the conversation about where we're all at, and also how to take us all forward: what we want our 'new' company to be.

One of the team's feedback was "It feels like something died." She's right. It's a hectic thing to feel, but she's right. The trust, care and support we used to feel is missing. The team connectedness is missing. The purpose we all carried to work with us each day is missing. The glue we took for granted is gone.

They felt abandoned by me. And even though it was not of my choosing - I own how they felt. What I didn't say to them is that I felt abandoned too.  That I was lonely and bereft in hospital. That I didn't feel supported by them while I was there.

But I am at peace with that now.  Something died for me too. I lost such precious things in this time: my trust in John. My ability to love freely, without fear. My ability to lead as I led.

But part of me is glad about that death.  I mourn it. But I also celebrate the space it is creating for me to move on and grow. Parts of me and my company needed to die. Like a fire burning the veld. The green shoots that will grow are precious and new - and I will protect and nurture them as they emerge.

The death of things should be acknowledged and honoured. And then we must move on.