Wednesday, 15 October 2014

Solo Sex: Preserving the Goddess in me

Daughter of Narc Mother. Sexually abused as a child by headmaster (and others).  I would not be blamed by anyone for having a really fucked up attitude to sex!  But luckily for me, I came through that particularly horrible journey relatively unscathed sexually.  Maybe that's just my denial speaking, and I may still find a whole lot of my body issues with my hubby stem from that place, but for now, just leave me to my illusions, OK?  But I have had a wonderful sex life with the few men I have been with in my life, and have grown myself more and more in that space with each new relationship, especially in the last one, with my Narc.

Although I must confess, I still find the word 'masturbation' particularly difficult to say.  Some childish part of me wants to blush and giggle behind my hand even now, while I'm typing about it.  Although I'm quite gung ho about my sexuality in pairs, I haven't been particularly focused on solo sex. Ever.  As a child, my sexual abuse started so early that I just blocked off that part of me.  I didn't hit that 'natural exploration' stage that I've read about.  I guess I had too much shame and shady feelings connected to my vagina, that I just kind of brushed over that.  Although I do remember some very early orgasms when playing with my dolls - simulating sex with them would provoke a sexual response with me.  (Hmmmm.  I've never actually asked my shrink whether this is a part of normal childhood stuff or abuse acting out...note to self)

I don't think I masturbated at all through my first relationship and marriage that lasted 12 years.  And I think I can remember possibly 10 times that I did it during my second, 15 year marriage, and that only to excite and delight my husband.  So it wasn't solo. In fact I remember surprising myself that I was even capable of it at that stage!  Of course I was young then, pre 'Sex and the City' and the media hadn't made masturbation a household word yet. And even sex toys were not something one bragged about owning to one's girlfriends!

The No-Sex years with hubby didn't really create a solo sex need in me:  I was so switched off from myself and him at that stage, and really, where would I find the privacy to do that while I was sharing a bed with him?  And two children?

Narc John and I had such an exciting and active sex life that I was also not really driven to pleasure myself, unless I was doing it for him.  He loved to watch me and I loved to perform for him.  We did also indulge in Skype sex and sexting, and that moved me more along the self pleasuring spectrum.

And then Berlin and I found a VERY sexy online playful space where I REALLY surprised myself.  And oh yes, just before Berlin I connected briefly with a guy in my work environment - he was my rebound person - we played a bit online and then had one delightful sexual night.  After which he scuttled back home deciding that he was not cut out for adultery. Whatever.  Nice guy.  Over it.  He did introduce me to a lovely Erotic Story site called where users actually are also contributors and so new stories are added daily.

So that was his sexual legacy to me.  I found a place where I could indulge my very personal fantasies and start this sexual relationship with myself.  Gently healing myself through solo sex.  Soothing.  Calming. Loving. Wholesome and real.

Interesting.  I found that the category of erotica that I enjoy the most is the Exhibitionist and Voyeur section: something beautifully erotic and naughty about sexual exposure and unwitting flashing.

But mostly I feel like I'm keeping the Goddess in me alive.  I was so delighted to meet her with John after all these years, and I am aware that this is my most sexual decade. I don't want to waste it by letting that part of me lapse.  At 46, I could go into menopause any time, and I'm worried that the hormonal changes then may switch off Sexy Me forever.  So I want her with me.  I'm enjoying her a lot through these 100 days of Solitude.  It will be interesting to see how she shows up when I next get to play with someone else!!

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