Monday, 13 October 2014

Driving myself slowly Insane

I have made myself a beautiful garden at my office.  The Jacarandas are starting to flower, the grass is turning green, and the view from here is forever.  I should be breathing in the calm.

Instead, I'm agitated.  Agitated as all hell!  I'm working through spreadsheets, dealing money issues, and trying to understand how much I should be billing my ex-lover ex-MD of my company for all the costs he's incurred while I was away.  Just found the 3G internet bill.  It's impossibly high!  I know why: porn surfing and probably Skype sex with other women.  It's SO heartbreaking to be constantly reminded of this man's infidelities.

On Friday evening I weakened and called him - wanted to say let's go out for pizza together or something.  He lied about his whereabouts until I said he should fetch me - and then he couldn't lie any more.  He was out drinking with two of his new business partners.  Both women.  Ugh.  I KNOW that he'll be sleeping with one or both of them soon.  If he isn't already.  And today he got an email from Debbie, one of the women he cheated on me with.  How do I know?  He told me.  Because he's in this 'I'll never lie to you again' mode.  Except he still lies selectively - just trying to do it in a way that he thinks I'll think he's telling me the whole truth always.  But of course he doesn't tell me what's in the email.  He'd rather leave that info hanging in the air and know I'm agonising about it. Narcissistic manipulation at it's best!

I wish I could say I'm not agonising.  I wish I could say the words "I don't give a flying fuck".  But I know that's the root of my unsettledness.  He's moving on with other women, and even though I KNOW that's exactly the right thing for me, I find it heartbreakingly traumatic anyway.

I wish one of my other boys would pop up in my inbox and play with me.  I was supposed to have a meeting with one today - would have been flirtatious and wonderfully distracting.  But that's postponed for a week. Berlin and I have been checking in briefly all day but nothing to write home about - I'd call it 'polite banter' at best.  Hubby has been driving me insane with instructions on stuff to get for the builders at our house.

And if I have to be completely honest with myself, I would have to confess that I'm terribly lonely.  John and I used to work side by side.  We thought through lots of things together at work and were just lovely company for each other (when we weren't fighting, of course).  Long before we were lovers, we were just really comfy work companions.  Now it's just me here at work.  I miss him.  Not just my lover, but my work companion.  I miss him with all my heart.

I know for sure that it's right that he's gone.  I know he was destructive for me and the business. The burden he created here for me to carry was almost backbreaking. I know all that stuff. Nobody has to remind me. But I miss the best of him.  So much that my whole body aches at the thought of it.  It feels like I have to recreate my whole life again, because he was such a huge part of it.

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