Monday, 27 October 2014

On feeling Alone

I feel Alone now. I'm sad. I'm grieving so much loss. I'm sitting at work. All the staff have gone home. Today has been a bastard of a day and I've been dragging myself through it.

I got more threatening emails from John, and he's making it so very clear that he is breaking all agreements of honour between us and coming after me for even more money than he has already taken. I wish I could be all 'Fuck You' in my heart about it. And just send it all on to my lawyers to deal. But still it hurts me. I find it yet another layer of broken trust and betrayal and I just cannot understand why he would continue to to try to harm me.

I guess I just need to accept that he's first and foremost a Narcissist. And that I have to let go any fantasy that he ever really loved me or meant me well. I'm just an ATM with benefits to him, and he'll milk me for everything he can before he moves on to his next target. And how do I swallow the bitterness that is welling up in my throat? How do I walk forward with the despair I feel in my soul?

And I sit here alone in this building where we worked side by side for so very long. And I am so very lonely. Who do I turn to to say "What a Bastard" to? Nobody here. And even if there was someone here, I wouldn't say it to them. Because for some fucking ridiculous reason I'm still protecting his reputation.

Loneliness and grief just weighing me down heavily now. Shrink says feel it.  It's an ugly feeling but feel it. I don't want to feel it. I would rather go shopping and buy stuff. Or call a mate and go out for coffee or a drink. Or go watch a movie. Anything to make this horrible place just go away. But then I guess it will be here again tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow. And at some time I'll have to just take it on. So now then.

Feel the grief. And sadness. And tears and tears. The loss of the man I loved so much. Who I believed in. Who I thought loved me. Who I believed loved me.

That man. Who told his other lover he was just sleeping with me to keep his job. I so wanted that to be not true. I so wanted it to be NOT about the money. It's like a deep deep knife through my heart. That he comes back to take even more money. Instead of coming to me to say he knows what he did. He knows what he took. He'll do everything he can to make it up to me. And pay back what he took.

But that's not going to happen. Not if I was just his paycheck for a few years.

I just have to sit here and feel how it feels to be not loved as I loved. Not honoured as I honoured. Not held as I held. Just bereft. I feel bereft.

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