Facing the Dragon

Just back from the Labour Court. I didn't cry - I was really afraid that I would, but I managed to hold back the deluge and see the whole process through. Now I feel completely exhausted. There was no finding - the Commissioner will give us her ruling in 2 week's time, so I'll only know the outcome then. Its a small piece, and I'll probably lose this round, but I needed to begin as I intend to complete - by having all my ducks in a row at all times. My Lawyer was just lovely - I do feel so very safe with him.

John-the-Narc was in full flight - he picked slivers of information and emails and constructed a story out of it which was just so far from the truth. I've said it before - he's an excellent liar, to the point where, I think, he eventually believes his own lies. I find it so very hard to go up against someone who lies because it's so hard to know where then next lie will come from. and it is so emotionally exhausting to even just sit through the process and watch the bullshit spew out of him.

Mostly it's hard because I haven't stopped loving him. And seeing him again just melts my heart. And I don't want to see him in any position of pain - I don't want him to suffer financially, and I don't want him to even feel any pain about it all. And in this point my head and my heart are at war. My head knows that I have no choice but to defend myself in the face of his attack, and if he chooses the courts as the place for the attack, then I need to meet and defeat him there, or suffer even more financial consequences than I already have.

But my heart still has huge compassion for this man, compassion that I know is part of my own wounding. I have blogged about this before, and I realise that I should be turning the compassion I have on myself to enable myself to heal. With the compassionate understanding that he cannot help who he is. Expecting him to behave in any way outside of what he is is crazy, really. But I do. I know that at some level I am expecting him to do this right. Be honourable. Respect our relationship and what we shared. Climb down off this block that he is on where he somehow thinks I have done him wrong.

Aaaaaghhh - the cognitive dissonance of it all is appalling: because while I'm thinking he should be honouring our relationship, I have to remember that all the way through the relationship he was both shagging other women, AND skimming money off our company. He was always betraying me both spiritually, emotionally and financially - and the only difference now is that now I know. Whereas then I was still living in The Truman Show of his construction. So the stuff I felt then, which still feeds what I feel now, is based on an illusion. Bullshit. Lies.

So I actually need a Trudy pep talk to remind me: Get a GRIP Trudy. He NEVER loved you. He ALWAYS LIED and CHEATED and STOLE from you. Trudy, girl, YOU are the one who deserves the compassion. YOU are the one who is suffering so much because of the terrible choices HE made. HE should be consoling, loving and having compassion for YOU!!!

Shew. So much pathology. SO much fuckedupness. Hard for me to see clearly through it all today.

So I have got one thing right for today: I knew this day would knock me over. And that being alone in my bed tonight without having spent some good time with a friendly face would just be too hard for me. So I've set up time to meet BERLIN for the first time. I have no idea how that will go - but I thought it would be the best way to take me out of this betrayal funk and give myself some happy time for a bit.

Ah, Trudy - long road ahead still.