I'm wobbling like crazy because of the Labour Court hearing tomorrow. I have had to spend hours and hours sifting through old emails and spreadsheets to find evidence to support my case. Every minute of that time is bringing back old memories. Some are happy and rich - tarnished now - infused with the hindsight knowledge I now have of this man who continues to torture me. Others are reminding me of how he bullied me at work - strident, punitive words that are void of any empathy or compassion or kindness.
She was asking me how I'm feeling about John-the-Narc, and I was feeling wistful and sad.
Both of us have this residual disappointment that we were unable to heal our men of their childhood afflictions and bring them towards a more enlightened, insightful and honest way of being in the world. Both of us, great co-dependent and Narc Supply specialists are still, at some level, believing in the ideal that you can 'fix' another human being. Both of us aware that we sometimes get lost in the fantasy that he will 'change' and become the ideal men we both yearned for.
But its that very idealism that we both have that draws predators to us. Our belief in the innate goodness of human beings and our naivete around our willingness to be part of the healing process of the pathological men we love is the bait we are inadvertently waving in the wind for all predatory human beings to see. And part of this breaking down process we have both had to bear has been to get us to the point where we are more realistic, less vulnerable, and more astute in our dealings with people like this.
Preparing for Court tomorrow is hard also because I find it so hard to put myself into the shoes of someone who means evil and destructive intent. Trying to anticipate how he will lie and manipulate the Court is so hard - I recognise it when I watch it happening now, but I still cannot anticipate what he'll do next. It makes me feel vulnerable and unprepared - even though I am normally a master at facts and figures in my normal line of work.
Both my friend and I have an expectation of ourselves that we could be following a straight line in our healing process - follow the 6 step recovery plan step by step and all will be well. But it's not so simple - it's much more like a haphazard waltz, where a lot of the stepping is bloody backwards, and then a deep breath, and then forward again. We were both agreeing that we need to forgive ourselves for not getting it right all the time, and not follow the 'perfect' recovery process. But to go gently. We have both suffered horrible emotional trauma, still ongoing in our lives. We must forgive ourselves for the slow steps and just walk with care.