Monday, 10 November 2014

When the Student is Ready the Teacher Appears

I have spent some of this morning offloading with a close colleague about my horror at the lies John-the-Narc has been telling in this time leading up to his labour action. My voice is high and squeaky. My breathing shallow. All signs of the internal pain and stress I am feeling as a result of the ongoing abuse and bullying that this man continues to wreak on me, now, from a distance. He says he has '6 witnesses lined up' to testify to my terrible management style. Does he? Is he blustering and lying about that too? Is he going to call up a list of disgruntled ex-employees (the narcissistic ones) and get them to say horrible things about me? I feel attacked. Fuck. SO attacked. I am SO tempted to line up my own queue of witnesses who know me - who will tell the world that I'm just an ordinary girl who does her best for everyone. I want people to stand up for ME. Not for him, who is trying to STEAL more money from me.

But my colleague said some wise things. She said I'm not allowed to regret these past years. She was saying I should be looking at the things that have changed in my life because I have been forced through such a tight time. That, no matter what pain this process has brought me, the rewards going forward will be great. That I was quite an insufferable 'perfect' human being before - I thought I had it all sorted, and that my recipe for the perfect life was in place, and that, even though I had learned a lot in the past, I thought at some level that I was done with my personal transformation.

She's right.

I have been brought to my knees on this one. I have had to face my own bad judgement calls. Humiliating and embarrassing judgement calls. I have compromised my integrity to protect someone who didn't deserve it. I lost time with my children in order to be with him more. I have seen the fragility that my health can become. I have felt the dire consequences of living with stress that's just too bloody much. I have realised how non-useful it is to live your life though other people's eyes, instead of trying to see what I want it to be. I have had to sell my company, and the buyers are probably the best thing that could have happened to me - I was forced to collaborate instead of being independent and that's exactly what was needed to take me and the organisation to a new level. I have learned to pull my friends closer to me and my life is becoming richer for it. I have started learning how to protect my heart and not get caught up in relationships that swallow me whole. I have learned to see the dangerous people that I attract into my life and know how to avoid their damage. I have learned to live more and control less.

So in many ways, John-the-Narc has been my teacher. The lessons have been more painful than anything I have experienced in my life. But they are lessons all the same. He is my teacher. I need to see him as that for the next few laps we take in this legal battle. I have to take the consequences of handing him far too many weapons to attack me with but then learn the way through it by allowing people like my wonderfully protective lawyer to walk alongside me on it all.

I will celebrate the teacher. And learn. And lead a richer, more mindful, creative and purposefully created life going forward.

Thankyou John.

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