I was driving my child to school this morning in the grey drizzling morning, and feeling that deep familiar pain just sitting below my lungs. Sore. Sad. Angry. Bewildered. I'm going through all the lies he's told and the things he's been saying about me.
Of course it's a classic case of what Narcissists do when they move on from one of their 'supply'. The community name for it is D&D. Devalue and Discard. His last meeting with me was the 'Discard' part. Where he told me that HE was now moving away from ME. Even there, he started the 'Devalue' process, saying that he no longer saw me through 'rose coloured spectacles' and that he more 'saw me for who I really was'. And since then, every thing he has told anybody about me has been to discredit me in some way or other. He has taken the loving and generous things that I have done to and for him, and twisted them into the most horrible stories that make me look batshit crazy. I suppose that's how he can justify to himself all the things he's doing in this evil legal attack on me - If I'm a cruel and crazy woman, then he has no choice but to fight for what he believes in his due.
If I was dealing with a normal breakup: no abuse; no Narcissist; no post breakup attacks, then maybe healing from this would be more about grieving, getting over the abandonment and feeling sad for a while. But I keep feeling like I'm in a nightmare I can't wake up from. Once I get back onto my feet after some horrible blow, and I've been through more days of sadness and pain, then ANOTHER blow hits me, and I'm back on my knees, shaking my head and trying to understand what happened.
As a Narcissist he has such an over inflated sense of entitlement that he cannot stop this bullshit until he believes he has exhausted every single line of attack against me. And each one is going to hurt. Even being Discarded and Devalued hurts like crazy, even though I know I will never go back to this man as long as I live. And even in the middle of all of that, I still wonder if I got it right. Is he really a Narc? Is he abusing me as badly as I imagine? Could he heal and recover and come back with a huge apology and take us back to when I felt loved and held (sometimes)? Magical Thinking. False Fantasy. I know that. But part of me is still that bewildered little girl just aching to be rescued.
Here's what 'Journey' has to say about The D&D process on the Lisaescott.com website in her piece titled "Who really benefits from Doubt"
During the mini discards throughout the relationship, we think that maybe we ARE being too insecure, too needy and just need to trust more, have more faith - since he comes back after a couple of hours, days, a week, two weeks, or a month and wants to be close again. We then adjust our behavior even more, doubting our ability to be a good partner to HIM because he’s convinced us if only we did things differently, then he wouldn’t need to leave at all.During the final discard, we doubt our whole reality. We question everything we did, we said and we look for reasons why, when he once cared so very much, that he could now be so coldly ignoring our pain, saying he just needs time alone to sort things out.Then when he says he loves and cares about us, but just can’t be with us anymore, but will always be our friend, except he just can't love us the way we need to be loved, we are left doubting our worthiness or if we're lovable at all. When he tells us he can't be himself with us, or that we expected too much of him or didn’t respect HIS needs enough in the relationship, we then doubt our ability to love anyone the 'right' way.After discard, we are lost in a fog of confusing memories and emotions, contradictions and shock, so we try to examine everything we did or might have done to cause such a change in HIM, that could cause his cold rejection, or our replacement with another in his heart as he moves quickly on to new supply.We look at all our perceived shortcomings and what we might have done 'wrong' or not done 'right', giving him the benefit of the doubt that he really did love us, yet we pushed him away, or the new supply must be SO MUCH BETTER than us and WILL make him happy.Then we ask ourselves "is he really a narc? Am I only thinking he is to feel better about being rejected?" Am I being unfair? We worry about being unkind to them, so we resist it, instead blaming ourselves so there is a possibility we might be able to fix the situation, maybe even get another chance to rekindle the relationship we once had, to find out he really DOES love us and care, that he DOES miss what we had, that we DID mean something to him…So we convince ourselves that giving him the benefit of the doubt is the fair thing to do, but while we do this, WHO is being fair to US?!The bottom line is, it doesn't matter if he/she is a narc or not, really it doesn't. If it helps you feel better to assign that label in the midst of your heartache and pain, then THAT is all that matters.The narc never needs to know, so you are not being unfair and he will not be hurt by your assessment of him, but YOU will feel better as you put your doubts (which have only ever worked in HIS favor) aside and give yourself permission to go No Contact to see with clarity all the manipulation and abusive treatment you've endured for what it REALLY was – WITHOUT a doubt!Is he/she really a narc? If you were idealized, devalued and then discarded, just say yes, he is and be FAIR TO YOURSELF.If he/she isn't a narc, by the time that conclusion is drawn with clarity from enough distance through NC, you will have moved on from the encompassing toxicity of a dysfunctional relationship - regardless of what labeling helped you to be able to do that.Allow yourself to heal. Doubt only holds you back and keeps you holding onto a fantasy of what you wanted it to be and are now afraid to let go of, instead of embracing reality and the emotional freedom that acceptance of truth brings.Give YOURSELF the benefit of doubt now, that he could be anything BUT a narc. You have nothing to lose and a whole lot of clarity to gain
So I'm gaining clarity slowly. And seeing the stark reality of his lying, abuse and manipulation. And recovering from each new onslaught slowly. This morning I was thinking about one of the men I'm lightly flirting with at the moment. I'll call him CEO boy for now. It feels so compelling to just fall into his arms and let him make love to me and feel held and safe and TOUCHED for a bit. But I don't think it's time yet. I guess I would actually be asking him to 'Hold the Baby' in this mode, and that's not safe for anyone right now.
Ugh. I guess this getting over thing has to just take it's time.