WIl he Ever Stop

I woke up to a panic attack yesterday morning. At about 4 in the morning I was suddenly aware of my heart racing and my breathing struggling. I took my beta blockers and tranquilizers to calm myself down, and eventually settled into a snooze again.

I think my subconscious is really trying to work through all the complicated feelings that I'm struggling with about John-the-Narc's court case against me. I know I'm using every one of my 'Pandora Box' skills to try and suppress the horrible feelings happening inside me about this - and I'm actually really struggling with even trying to write about it here. I'm getting a message that I'm bored with this. And that it's not worth writing about. And that it's too much detail to go into, and that you, my reader, will be bored with it.

But actually I'm just so terribly sad and hurt. John attacking me like this when he is the one in the wrong, trying to back-foot me and force me to defend myself is just so fucking typical and so terribly cruel all at the same time. I really should be allowed to just walk gently for a while, after everything that lying, stealing bastard put me through. But he is just relentless in his need to fight and attack and try to win, no matter how in the wrong he is.

After 18 years of owning, growing and running my company, it's finally in the last minutes of being sold. And I should be allowed to relish and celebrate that moment. But he would rather have me battling him in the gutter, where he spends his time. Healing and celebration are not luxuries he thinks I deserve. I should be made to suffer even more. Because he derives such pleasure in the power of being able to destroy a strong woman like me.

He has been a very successful entrepreneur in his life. He has made multi millions a couple of times. But he has nothing now. And one of the reasons is because he recklessly destroys all his relationships around him. He doesn't seem to get that people survive better inside their tribes. He just keeps taking a panga to that tribe and clears his surrounds of anyone who would ever care about him. And he is in the process of turning me into that person who never wants to think about, speak to, or even acknowledge him in any way any more. I don't know who he is. I don't understand why he needs to continually attack me, and I'm grieving still the loss of the love I had, and the man I knew. I'm still somehow confused by The Truman Show I lived through - I do not understand this attack. It scares me.

I wish he would just stop. Do the right thing. Make arrangements to pay back what he stole from me. Do the right thing. Mend his bridges with me. And walk away.