Friday, 14 November 2014

The Narc's Guide to Rehooking Supply

Ugh! My local NBF, Nikki was in pieces last night. With good bloody reason. Her Narc Ex Husband pulled the mother of all stunts on her over the past few days. The kind of stunt that leaves one breathless as to the arrogance, audacity and incredulity that ordinary people experience when confronted with the truth of the levels to which our Narcs would stoop.

Here's how it went down. She left him over two years ago when she uncovered his cheating and nefarious behaviour that she could no longer tolerate as his loving and supportive wife. The Divorce went through quite recently. He has been a miserable bastard from hell in the way he has squeezed her in the settlement, particularly as she has been a stay at home mom for a long time, and hasn't yet got her own income streams sorted. He forces her to beg and justify every single cent she needs to spend on medical issues, and often just refuses to take her word that certain expenses are needed, deferring instead to the 'expertise' of specialists he verifies himself, or demands she does. Agh, it's just humiliating, abusive and horrible for her, and I'm hoping she will soon find a job that will reduce her economic reliance on that asshole!

So after about two years of her getting over this man and dealing with the grief and ongoing abusive control he wreaks on her, he suddenly asks for a conversation with her. She reluctantly lets him into her home and sends the little ones off to play, and reluctantly settles in to hear him talk. He sits her down and makes an appeal to her for a reconciliation. Says he misses his family and how they used to be. Admits he doesn't really love her currently, but thinks that they could recreate their relationship if she would give him a chance.

Understand that this man has done absolutely NOTHING to earn the right to have this conversation. He has made her transition to single motherhood ABSOLUTE HELL! She grovels and justifies every cent he pays her, all the time. He is cruel and abusive to her in ways that I can see even SHE doesn't recogonise as abusive yet. And then. After 2 years of torture, he comes in and breaks her heart all over again with an attempted reconciliation.

She said no. Under absolutely no circumstances. She cannot. Her heart is too broken, and she will never trust him again. And then collapsed into that horrible broken place full of tears for days that so many of us know so well. The wounds are reopened and the blood and pus begins to gush from us, and we feel like we are back to square one.

Less than 1 WEEK LATER he communicates with her that he is in a relationship (many months already) and now feel like it's time to introduce the girlfriend to the kids during their next visit. Which means that he attempted a reconciliation WHILE IN A RELATIONSHIP with another woman, and DIDN'T imagine that was worth disclosing to Nikki. He said that the reconciliation was his 'plan A', and that his relationship was his 'plan B'. As if that's normal. And he couldn't understand the rage and grief that started pouring out of Nikki when he presented this as the reason for not disclosing before.

This is such a typical Narc response. They cultivate layers of 'Supply', and play them simultaneously to ensure that they are always being fed in the deep dark centers of themselves. Plan 'A'. Plan 'B' life plans just spec'ed out as if they were business strategies. They lie, cheat, and cover up, and sometimes, like now, the mask slips because they didn't think everything through, and their partners are exposed to the devastating reality of how little they were loved in exchange for their wholehearted love. How they live lives of crazy Truman Show proportions while the Narc plays the lie to cover up their dysfunctional and sometime sick, abusive behaviour.

So the double blow Nikki had to deal last night was all this bullshit from him, AND the fact that her kids were off meeting the girlfriend in a 'happy families' evening that she has had to support and sanction for their sakes. He didn't even think of giving her fair warning about that so she could get her own head and heart around it. It's a fucking big step, and he just slammed her with it.

Narcs are real pigs!

She sent me this pic I used for this blog this morning. I think I'll join her!!

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