Friday, 5 December 2014

And now...once more around the Block with Berlin

Are you as irritated with me as I am about this particular theme? Really? Did Berlin just pop up on the radar one more time? Isn't this story already past it's sell-by date??? Maybe. Can I blame PMT for opening up some of my raw wounding for a couple of days and forgive myself for all this surfacing stuff? In my defence, I did say in my last blog about him that I didn't think the story wasn't quite over yet... But what is irritating one of my best mates is that I might still be holding a bit of a candle for him and he's clearly not in the same space - so her ultimatum is simply: "Stop this now" He's really just not that into you!" "And he's probably a Narc, so even MORE reason to stop already"

If you're joining the blog now, late in the game, you may need to go search for all the 'Berlin' references on this site to catch up. But the short story is that I met him online. Fell fast for him. He disappeared before we met just when I was getting very sick in hospital. I met him two weeks ago (months later). Liked him.

We thought we would meet up again last Sunday morning - or let me rephrase that - I thought we would meet up. He said that we would possibly meet up. We didn't. He didn't connect with me at all about it, just didn't show. Did I make it sound too open-ended and optional? "I'm at Tasha's every Sunday, pull in if you feel like it?" But still - absolutely no conversation about - "I'm sorry - I thought I would make it but I just woke up too late." Or something.

I met him again this week. In a work context this time. He mentioned in passing in the meeting that he was heading back to Germany in two days time. Which was yesterday. Said it had come up at the last minute. I was a bit taken aback. He hadn't mentioned it to me at all. Not that he should have, of course: who am I to him, really... but anyway. And as he left he just quietly said "Let me know when you're in Europe", which I am going to be. In January. So then I laughingly rejoined - "Sure. Come find me in Barcelona!" which is the only part of my trip where I'm travelling alone.

But since that moment I've been troubled by it all. I'm not sure I'm ready to have a romantic fling with him any more. I feel bruised by the abandonment when I was ill. He hasn't tried hard to help me understand it better, and now he's gone again. He hasn't tried hard to spend time with me either, even though he's been home for 3 months. My radar is still completely off about him. Logical sense says "He's not trying, let it go already". But I'm not convinced. Maybe I should just read all the signals: Not showing up when we have a tentative date, and not apologising. Not getting in touch more than once a week. Not trying hard to see me at all. Not responding to my messages to him for hours, sometimes days.

Here is our conversation from the last couple of days - before and after his flight.

Hey you! Thanks for yesterday and hope I could help a bit... Noticed afterwards that while I criticized the films for being repetitive in parts I repeated myself all the time too
Wednesday 6:54pm
So do you always unpck your connections in retrospect and give yourself feedback
Just teasing you. Never mind
Boarding soon. You OK?
Yup. Fine.
Happy flight.
Actually I'm struggling a bit. The last time I saw you off on a plane I didn't hear from you again.
And I'm frustrated we didn't get to talk that through properly and now you're off again
But I'm also pre menstrual. So probably just a bit raw.
11 hours ago
we can still talk it through and the only reason you didn't hear from me then was because I thought you'd done something nasty. Plane trips don't generally make me disappear Well maybe I shouldn't say that so loud, they could actually, if you fly Air Malaysia for example, but maybe we shouldn't think that direction...
4 hours ago
I don't really get why you thought it was me? And if you did, why you didn't ask me about it? How did we go from "yep I have to get up in four hours" to "that Bitch I'll never speak to her again" in one step?
I'm thinking you're on your way home at last and we're about to take our relationship to another level and you've left the building?
How were you so sure it was me that you took such a strong cut off step? Without checking?
Sorry Berlin. I know I'm interrogating you. It came at a very vulnerable time in my story and cut deep. I'm feeling very sore about it again now. The timing not your problem or your fault. But it still feels big for me
I'm back on tinder chatting to a few chaps. I'm not feeling hooked or connected at all. Just playing lightly. I don't know if that was your experience of our connection? Was it actually just me who got so hooked in because of the space I was in? Were you just in this light, playful space with me and actually not really seriously considering a relationship progression? Is that why walking away felt so easy for you? Or was your breakup with zanzibar girl too fresh and new potential pain too threatening?
Or was it the age old 'he's just not that into you' story? Ugh. I feel like I'm exposing too much of myself on this monologue. I'm zipping now

So here's me - putting it out there as usual. No games. Truth Teller. Exposing too much of myself again, I think. And there's him. Not responding. I want to tell myself that he will want to think about it for a while before he responds thoughtfully. Giving him a GIANT share of the benefit of the doubt again. But then he could easily say that - "Hearing you Trudy. Will respond when I have more time to think it through." But no - easier to leave me hanging.

He's not trying Trudy. Let this go unless he fixes all this. Maybe Barcelona will be happier alone than in some short-lived fling with a guy who's clearly not that into you!

I guess I am quite intense with the way I engage. I want stuff said and spelled out, and maybe I demand that before the other person is ready to commit themselves to an opinion. But trying to hold that back too much feels like hiding my real self from them. And if they can't enjoy that part of me so that I have to hide it, well, I guess they're wrong for me anyway. Berlin isn't the only boy in play - there are a few I'm considering that I haven't chatted about here yet because other things have felt more pressing. But the 100 days are almost over (12 days left), and frankly, I need a shag!!

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