Tuesday, 23 December 2014

The Contempt of the Narcissist

John-the-Narc is driving a car in my name. It seemed like a good idea at the time. He wanted to buy the car and his own driver's licence had expired and he had a couple of judgments against his name so wouldn't qualify for financing at that time. It was an easy hop, skip and a jump to me standing in for him, taking the finance out in my name, and running the payments of the car through my company, and simply deducting the amount through payroll off his salary. Easy peasy. And when you love and trust a man, there's really nothing to it.

Except now. Now that I know that the love and trust I had for him was completely misplaced. Now that he's driving that car around, which is still in my name, without a licence, and without paying me a cent for it, it's not so simple. When we agreed to part, part of the agreement was that he would take the car on in his name and continue to make the payments on it. Except that he hasn't. He says he can't  - that he cannot raise the finance himself because he is unemployed currently. And possibly still has an adverse credit rating. And still has not got himself a new drivers licence. And the implication is, of course, that it's MY fault that he finds himself in this position. Because I fired him. Not because he stole money from my company. Not because he behaved so badly that my top execs walked out because they couldn't work with him any more. Not because he bullied and abused me daily as his boss and colleague. No, because I fired HIM. In court he says I fired him because he broke my heart. Period. Fuckwit!

So he sent my lawyer and I a letter, asking me to be lenient in the recall of the car. Could I find it in my heart to allow him to continue to use the car, pay it off, and he will fund me the payments every month.  I knew that he would really struggle without a car, and so I agreed to help him out - I know banks can be pedantic about these things, and that the chances were that he actually wouldn't be able to raise the finance for a while. So, again against my shrink's advice, I said we could put something in place, where he takes a debit order onto his account, for the car, the tracker system and the insurance, and gets his licence as soon as humanly possible so that my risk is limited in the event of a car accident.

I insisted on the debit order because I have watched both his ex wife and an ex girlfriend call him and email him and text message him relentlessly to transfer money to them that he owes. And I have watched him ignore their supplications over and over again, promising it's happening 'today' when it actually never does. I just do not want to be the person who has to beg him for money every month. I have watched him just hold them in contempt. Ignore them. Not explain when the money will really be there, or just never pay. I do not want to be another one of his exes standing in line begging him to pay me money that he owes me for HIS car that I'm STILL paying on his behalf every month!

So, of course, now that we have sent the letter saying I will be lenient, with the terms I described above, he has simply begun his contemptuous ignoring already. Just ignores all emails and telephone calls from my lawyer, in complete disregard for that fact that I'm actually doing him a huge favour by not recalling the car. Actually, who am I kidding? He knows completely I'm doing him a favour. He just doesn't give a fuck! In fact, this whole thing was probably just a stalling tactic to get use of the car for as long as he possibly can without having to pay a dime for it. I even saw him do that to one of his mates a few years ago who kindly lent him a car for a few months. When he wanted it back, John suddenly became very unavailable and ignored all calls from his friend so he could drive the car as long as he could. For free.

What a Narc! We all exist as their puppets to enable their lives. Nothing more.

Well I'm fucking done with that. We gave him a deadline for a response to our letter, which he ignored. So now I'm done with enabling him in the face of his obvious contempt. We have handed him immediately over to the bank's lawyers: the car is actually their's, according to the leased finance deal, and so they can proceed against him and I don't have to get into the fight at all, thank goodness. I  need to not have to deal with him on collections. And I need to not have to deal with him in recovering this car.

I was reminded again today about the abusive manipulation, stealing and lying nature of the Narcissist while reading Lisa E Scott's website again on narcissist recovery. This excerpt particularly, helped remind me about what I really am to him. Nothing more:
They analyze and assess whether or not you are worth additional effort, meaning are you even still good supply. You may be their cash cow, deviant sex buddy, place to live, ect... If none of those factors apply, they simply move on from you in their head and begin to think about WHO IS better at providing for them what they need and want.
They will get out their cell or go online and begin to contact either old supply who still has some potential or begin to seek out and preen new supply to fill your shoes. They do this automatically with absolutely NO THOUGHT of you and what they did to you or your feelings. They don't care how you are doing, and you will not hear from them at this point unless they want something from you.
This is WHY you see the cycles with the hoovering. You are being hoovered "in between" their efforts to secure other supply. If they hit the jackpot and OW takes them in, you don't hear from them. If OW becomes shitty supply for any reason, you hear from them. She is unavailable one night or she is getting demanding or questioning their behaviors.
Once they have secured new supply for ALL their needs you do not hear from them.
The problem for them lie's in the fact that we are all human and NOONE can be excellent supply 24/7, although I tired, lol. When other supply fails them for any reason, you get a hoover.
As their mask begins to fall we become suspicious and we ask questions not previously asked, we try to set boundaries because we now sense that something is off. We begin to feel uncomfortable with their behaviors and want answers.
THEY can immediately sense that we are on to them, so they begin the business of slowly tearing us down and placing the blame on us.
All of this is a smokescreen specifically designed to keep us off the track of their true nature.To create a cognitive dissonance in us where we begin to grow confused and vaguely uneasy with what they are telling us. Their ONLY thought is to have decent supply and they know from years of experience, THE ONLY way to keep you as decent supply is to get you off THEIR back and for you to begin to question YOUR actions and what YOU are doing wrong. They mirror back to you their defects of character. This way they can keep you off the track with what is wrong with THEM. Their NEW actions, create fear, doubt, and insecurity in you.
They tell you if you do not STOP this line of questioning and be GOOD, they will abandon YOU. They may outright say this or you may see it in their actions. ST, they go away for a few days, they don't call, they blow you off in either subtle ways or overt ways. All designed to create fear in you and to TRAIN you to BACK OFF and let them be. Narc speak: "I will do what I want when I want and no bitch is going to tell me what to do."
Basically this is the beginning of the abuse training for the abuse cycle. They act in unacceptable ways, you react and question, they deflect the issue back on to you, and create fear in you and place the blame on you.

And so this time, when he arrives with a big sad and sorrowful face on, asking again for me to be lenient with the car, or the lawsuit I am about to hit him with between the eyes, my answer will simply be 'No'. No explanation. No soft soaping. No conversation at all in fact.

Just 'No'.

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