Monday, 1 December 2014

Is my Hair really Going???

It's been creeping up on me the past few weeks. I've mentioned it in passing in a couple of blogs over the past few days. I keep touching my hair all day, trying to feel if it really feels thinner in some patches than in others. But in the past 3 or 4 days, I'm sure. I'm going to have breakthrough bald patches any day now.

My hair is really falling out.

I've been on chemo since May. I take it every Friday morning. I don't have cancer, but I do have an Autoimmune disease called Rheumatoid Arthritis. And taking chemo, in the form of a pill called Methotrexate seems to be one of the most effective drugs to retard the progression of my disease, and possibly even alter it and stop it in its tracks completely! So I've been taking this chemo for almost 7 months now. In the first 4 months it made me feel horrible. Stoned. Sleepy. Nauseous on the first day, and hangoverish on the second. In those first few months I spent all my Friday nights and Saturdays in bed. Mostly alone. Watching Series. Then after my hospital stay and the entire pharmacy of drugs I take now for anxiety and heart palpitations and lung issues, I haven't felt that bad at all. Just needed to lie down for a bit.

But now. The hair thing. It doesn't happen to everybody apparently. And I thought I was going to be exempt as it didn't start when I first went onto the drug. But now, I think I'm about to turn into a baldy.

And I didn't really mind when I first read about the symptoms - my feeling was that temporary baldness would be a small price to pay for snatching my body back from a debilitating and crippling future. And in the bigger scheme of things, that still stands.

But just now, as I take chunks of my hair out every morning after my shower, I feel a bit afraid and vulnerable. When will it start to look bad? Should I shave my head now before that happens? Should I go and have it cut really short now, or will that show the patches up more quickly? Will I look terribly ugly bald? I just searched 'bald woman' on Pinterest for inspiration - all the women in those pics are beautiful models and look triumphant and sexy with their bald heads. But I'm a 46-year-old slightly pudgy woman. I might look just terrible. Would a scarf or a cap look better? No way on wigs tho!

I'm heading overseas in January for my first international conference with my new colleagues. Can I really 'hold my head up high' with no hair? What will happen to my confidence? Will any of the men that surround me now still be attracted to me with my bald head? My 100 Days of Solitude are nearly over, and I want to get back into dating and connecting with potential lovers soon. Will this just kill that off? I'm vital and sexy and full of energy. But my bald head might say 'Sick needy person'. 'Stay away'. Just when I really really need to feel someone's arms around me again.

If it happens I know I'll come to terms with it. But today I feel afraid and alone. And sad. And Alone.

I hate that this RA battle has had to be alone, and I'm suddenly fucking angry with John. He promised me he would see me through this. He would hold my hand through the chemo. And work with me in my swimming pool exercises. And love me if my hair fell out. He SO fucking lied! Grief and loss again in my heart.

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