Monday, 15 December 2014
Today I stopped taking some of the tranquilisers and Beta Blockers I've been on since I was in hospital, so I'm feeling a bit wobbly and, frankly, nervous about how I will handle my stress and my life without 'mommy's little helpers'. Doc says it's time, so let's see. I'm struggling with a bit of fatigue and brain-deadness now - maybe that's just what the last day of work feels like this year...I really don't seem to have one more ounce of fight in me to make anything else proactive happen today. Most of my team have already gone on leave and it's a few of us support people left to mop up and get everything ready for closedown. Silly little things, like paying people's salaries, etc!
I also went to the Rheumatologist today. Great improvement in my movement and rheumatic flares, so the chemo programme is definitely working! Yay!! Which means keep taking it .....ugh....
I'm struggling to find a writing flow today - I think it's also because of stopping the meds. I feel like I have holes all over my brain, and I would rather lie down on my bed than do anything, including write. But I am looking forward to writing on holiday. I hope I will find the time and space to really get into some of the things I have been thinking about the past few days. And I will need to cry a lot too - I still have all those unshed tears in my voice, and stopping the pills also means that I should start to feel all of this stuff a lot more strongly, and the tears really need to flow now. My 100 days are almost done - 3 more days to go.
Terrible post. Flat woman. Who needs this holiday a lot!