SPOILER ALERT: If you want to catch up on the whole story before reading the end, do click the "online dating" theme filter to the right of this blog - then read from oldest to newest. I have just reread a few 'back issues' myself and am surprised at how raw and real this story has been for me.
So I'll pick up the story from the last three blogs: Berlin is spinning with confusion about the scam. Who are they? Was it a 'professional' team of scammers hunting anyone on dating sites? Or people targeting him directly? 'Tash' seemed to know so much about things happening in his neighborhood - school events, people from the same schools and network as his... Who was this really targeting him? So we'd been backing and forthing all day. I went out for drinks and dinner with a mate, and we sent him a playful selfie of us together. He responded with his own..he's always been very very camera shy so I was actually surprised:
10 Dec 6:32 PM - Trudy: Wow. First time you've ever sent a selfie to me
10 Dec 6:33 PM - Berlin: Told you selfies don't work for me
10 Dec 6:47 PM - Trudy: And yet you did it anyway. ... is Berlin stepping out of a comfort zone here? ???
10 Dec 6:52 PM - Berlin: Is Trudy stepping into some other zone??
10 Dec 6:52 PM - Berlin: Psycho analyst or so?
10 Dec 6:53 PM - Trudy: I've been out of my comfort PLANET since hospital! !!
10 Dec 6:55 PM - Berlin: I've been venturing out into new zones for the past couple of months as you know10 Dec 6:56 PM - Berlin: Some of them turn out to be entirely and sometimes surprisingly open and positive10 Dec 6:57 PM - Berlin: Others dangerous
10 Dec 6:57 PM - Trudy: Yes. I've had all of those
10 Dec 6:57 PM - Berlin: It feels artificial but it's real10 Dec 6:57 PM - Berlin: Weird sometimes
10 Dec 6:58 PM - Trudy: But my journey has been mostly internal10 Dec 6:58 PM - Trudy: Lonely but necessary
10 Dec 6:59 PM - Berlin: Maybe because you were always in one spot10 Dec 6:59 PM - Berlin: I was on the road a lot10 Dec 6:59 PM - Berlin: So busy with other stuff and not at home that much
10 Dec 6:59 PM - Trudy: No. More because it's been the most important thing to do in my life
10 Dec 7:00 PM - Berlin: To be framed,scammed and disappointed?
10 Dec 7:01 PM - Trudy: It broke me.10 Dec 7:02 PM - Berlin: What exactly did it break?
10 Dec 9:48 PM - Trudy: My naive trust of people. My belief that people are inherently good. My sense of safety in the world. My heart.10 Dec 9:49 PM - Trudy: All those words are true but they don't begin to actually define the truth. I don't have words for it
10 Dec 9:50 PM - Berlin: I understand Trudy. Also know that I'm not quite innocent in that10 Dec 9:51 PM - Berlin: Didn't mean to be mean though...10 Dec 9:51 PM - Berlin: I still don't know what actually happened there
10 Dec 9:52 PM - Trudy: It's a sore place for me. We'll talk about it sometime
10 Dec 9:52 PM - Berlin: But I do know that I should stay away from this online stuff10 Dec 9:53 PM - Berlin: If I want to meet a woman I'll go hang around in bars
10 Dec 9:53 PM - Trudy: Yes. Right now it feels like a very dangerous place
10 Dec 9:53 PM - Berlin: Traditional style
10 Dec 9:53 PM - Trudy: Ugh. Who wants people who hang in bars tho
10 Dec 9:53 PM - Berlin: Dunno...10 Dec 9:54 PM - Berlin: Or parties, functions, whatever...10 Dec 9:54 PM - Berlin: But I have a feeling that almost nothing is real out there...
10 Dec 9:55 PM - Trudy: I think the real has to live in you10 Dec 9:55 PM - Trudy: It's not about 'out there'. It's 'in here'
10 Dec 10:00 PM - Berlin: No it's out there too! I haven't really done much on these sites (incl Zoosk, where I met your friend) but I had about 6 scams! That's a lot considering the total amount of contacts I had online! I fell for the last one. They were clever!! I'll stay away from this shit now!
10 Dec 10:01 PM - Trudy: That site I went on yesterday certainly convinced me that dating sites are where the scammers hang out (Romancescam.com)10 Dec 10:01 PM - Trudy: I'm just so shocked act the brutality of it10 Dec 10:01 PM - Trudy: Manipulating you to love her10 Dec 10:02 PM - Trudy: And then thinking you had killed her10 Dec 10:02 PM - Trudy: It's horrific beyond belief10 Dec 10:03 PM - Trudy: How can people knowingly inflict that level of pain on another. I'm actually really shocked by it.10 Dec 10:03 PM - Trudy: And so sad for you that that was done to you.10 Dec 10:03 PM - Trudy: It's so wounding! My God
10 Dec 10:18 PM - Berlin: Well I had a savior thank god! I don't know where I'd be now if you hadn't opened my eyes Trudy!
10 Dec 10:18 PM - Trudy: The universe works in very strange ways
10 Dec 10:18 PM - Berlin: I'm functioning on three levels right now10 Dec 10:19 PM - Berlin: I'm worried about my kids10 Dec 10:19 PM - Berlin: I want revenge10 Dec 10:20 PM - Berlin: I'm seriously interested in the whole issue and would like to shoot a film on it!
10 Dec 10:20 PM - Trudy: Geez
10 Dec 10:20 PM - Berlin: That's what's on my mind
10 Dec 10:20 PM - Trudy: Those are 3 very different levels10 Dec 10:21 PM - Trudy: Ok. Kids first. Have you chatted to your wife some more?
10 Dec 10:22 PM - Berlin: Tomorrow is last school day so I don't know how they would want to get to them
10 Dec 10:22 PM - Trudy: You've had no threats tho?
10 Dec 10:23 PM - Berlin: Only that hidden one I told you about10 Dec 10:24 PM - Berlin: And if they send a threat like that it would be in combination with a demand for cash10 Dec 10:24 PM - Berlin: The fact that they basically left me alone today
10 Dec 10:25 PM - Trudy: Yes. I don't think this is about them Berlin. I know we can't be certain.10 Dec 10:25 PM - Trudy: That's a good sign.
10 Dec 10:25 PM - Berlin: Instead of keeping up the pressure or even raising it10 Dec 10:25 PM - Berlin: Kind if tells me that these are not Nigerian professionals
10 Dec 10:26 PM - Trudy: The best time for them to strike is when you're disoriented and vulnerable
10 Dec 10:26 PM - Berlin: But I don't know what's still coming of course
10 Dec 10:26 PM - Trudy: Every day they leave you, the less chance they have of conning you10 Dec 10:26 PM - Trudy: They would know that
10 Dec 10:26 PM - Berlin: Yes and they gave me a day to gather my senses10 Dec 10:27 PM - Berlin: I think they needed that day too
10 Dec 10:27 PM - Trudy: So maybe they've already given up?
10 Dec 10:27 PM - Berlin: We'll see...
10 Dec 10:27 PM - Trudy: Pursuing other victims that didn't catch on in time10 Dec 10:28 PM - Trudy: They'd be working multiple prospects simultaneously I would think10 Dec 10:28 PM - Trudy: And maybe you're no longer worth the effort
10 Dec 10:28 PM - Berlin: The amount of time I spent with that woman.... Can't imagine she had time for another "client"
10 Dec 10:29 PM - Trudy: Surely not10 Dec 10:29 PM - Trudy: How many hours a day?
10 Dec 10:29 PM - Berlin: But she's probably part of a team10 Dec 10:29 PM - Berlin: Full time10 Dec 10:29 PM - Berlin: Starting from sunrise
10 Dec 10:30 PM - Trudy: But you work. Go to meetings
10 Dec 10:30 PM - Berlin: Yes there was time in between
10 Dec 10:30 PM - Trudy: And mostly text?
10 Dec 10:30 PM - Berlin: But not much10 Dec 10:31 PM - Berlin: When I was home a lot of talk, when on the road mainly text but also talk10 Dec 10:31 PM - Trudy: Shew
10 Dec 10:31 PM - Berlin: She has a smooth sexy voice
10 Dec 10:32 PM - Trudy: John dominated my time like that too
10 Dec 10:32 PM - Berlin: With a Cape Coloured accent
10 Dec 10:32 PM - Trudy: I can't believe how many hours I have free every day now
10 Dec 10:32 PM - Berlin: The first pics she sent me looked totally different from the later ones I sent you
10 Dec 10:32 PM - Trudy: Interesting brainwashing technique
10 Dec 10:33 PM - Berlin: Jeez how stupid can a man be...
10 Dec 10:33 PM - Trudy: They're pros Berlin10 Dec 10:33 PM - Trudy: Seasoned sociopathic criminals10 Dec 10:34 PM - Trudy: You didn't stand a chance
10 Dec 10:34 PM - Berlin: Yeah, but I'm a journalist10 Dec 10:34 PM - Berlin: Seasoned
10 Dec 10:34 PM - Berlin: I'm supposed to be a walking lie detector
10 Dec 10:34 PM - Berlin: Fuck
10 Dec 10:35 PM - Berlin: I'm an idiot
10 Dec 10:35 PM - Trudy: I know you feel like that10 Dec 10:35 PM - Trudy: But you're really not
And suddenly we move out of scammer territory and into a soul-searching, open and vulnerable conversation. Suddenly our talk takes on a cadence that I remember well from our early connecting days. We're real. Raw. Truthful. It was the space where, for a very brief time, we found our connection space.10 Dec 10:35 PM - Berlin: That's where the vengeance comes in...
I see us often talking past each other, though - we each have our own narrative, and they flow around each other sometimes. Typical of a texting conversation I suppose, but also sometimes not really hearing each other. It flows like a counterpoint duet - two different songs being played together, different, but finding the harmony anyway.
10 Dec 10:36 PM - Trudy: Although probably a good idea to understand what weaknesses they uncovered in you to hook you
10 Dec 10:36 PM - Berlin: But that's not priority now10 Dec 10:36 PM - Berlin: It's an obvious weakness that you know too well
10 Dec 10:37 PM - Trudy: Not sure I follow
10 Dec 10:37 PM - Berlin: Every second man probably has it
10 Dec 10:37 PM - Trudy: Spell out please10 Dec 10:39 PM - Berlin: Every man wants passion, sex and some kind of thrill... But only every second wife (if at all) has the same interest..
10 Dec 10:40 PM - Trudy: I think it may be more than that.10 Dec 10:40 PM - Trudy: You feel in love with her10 Dec 10:40 PM - Trudy: She made you do that10 Dec 10:41 PM - Trudy: Good to know why10 Dec 10:41 PM - Trudy: When I was first scammed there was no love or emotional stuff at all10 Dec 10:42 PM - Trudy: They completely read my weakness for helping and rescuing people10 Dec 10:43 PM - Trudy: and played me like a violin
10 Dec 10:45 PM - Berlin: Yes maybe I'm looking for love Trudy. I am...
10 Dec 10:45 PM - Trudy: No shame in that Berlin10 Dec 10:45 PM - Trudy: Just shameful of them to use it against you
10 Dec 10:46 PM - Berlin: I love my wife but it's the same way I love my sister or my mother
10 Dec 10:46 PM - Trudy: I know.
10 Dec 10:46 PM - Berlin: I want to feel butterflies again
10 Dec 10:46 PM - Trudy: Sad moment for me. I thought we had that.
10 Dec 10:47 PM - Berlin: And I felt them in the past 2 months or so
And then.....after months of waiting...the real conversation begins. Kindly. Quietly. Respectfully. And raw, raw raw.10 Dec 10:47 PM - Trudy: Just breathing through that
10 Dec 10:47 PM - Berlin: Yes I'm sorry Trudy10 Dec 10:48 PM - Berlin: I know you were very emotional then10 Dec 10:48 PM - Berlin: Maybe also due to your situation10 Dec 10:49 PM - Berlin: I know this going to be brutal and I should have said it a long time ago10 Dec 10:49 PM - Berlin: But I never wanted to hurt you10 Dec 10:50 PM - Berlin: I just didn't feel the butterflies Trudy10 Dec 10:51 PM - Berlin: So I tried to hang in when you had your bad period
10 Dec 10:51 PM - Trudy: I know. I felt you pulling away
10 Dec 10:51 PM - Berlin: And tried to help with the health issues10 Dec 10:52 PM - Berlin: Not fully understanding what was really going on10 Dec 10:52 PM - Berlin: But I tried10 Dec 10:52 PM - Berlin: But at the same time I started playing on AM again10 Dec 10:53 PM - Berlin: Just playing and looking what's out there10 Dec 10:53 PM - Berlin: Curiosity more than intention to do something10 Dec 10:54 PM - Berlin: And then this message came in10 Dec 10:54 PM - Berlin: And I made the mistake to reply10 Dec 10:55 PM - Berlin: I know it was asshole behavior and I know it still hurts you10 Dec 10:56 PM - Berlin: I really didn't expect that you would get so emotionally involved
10 Dec 10:56 PM - Trudy: No. Of course you didn't
10 Dec 10:57 PM - Berlin: So then this woman pressurized me
10 Dec 10:57 PM - Trudy: My emotional train wreck wasn't your fault
10 Dec 10:58 PM - Berlin: Saying OK when, where and what? Do you want to meet or not? Aaah you're probably too old for this... And stuff like that...10 Dec 10:59 PM - Berlin: So actually I was thinking of showing her my middle finger10 Dec 10:59 PM - Berlin: But something was wrong and I was wondering what10 Dec 10:59 PM - Berlin: So I played the game10 Dec 11:00 PM - Berlin: Said OK well why not meet10 Dec 11:00 PM - Berlin: Then all hell broke loose10 Dec 11:01 PM - Berlin: Berlin I knew you were a dishonest bastard... Stuff like that... Don't remember word by word but in that direction...10 Dec 11:01 PM - Berlin: I was only chatting with you then10 Dec 11:02 PM - Berlin: And you were the only person I knew that called me Berlin10 Dec 11:02 PM - Berlin: Well the only person that I was communicating with at that stage
10 Dec 11:03 PM - Trudy: Is there a part of you that still thinks it was me?
10 Dec 11:03 PM - Berlin: And that person then basically told me tofuck off10 Dec 11:03 PM - Berlin: I was convinced it was you
10 Dec 11:04 PM - Trudy: Still?
10 Dec 11:04 PM - Berlin: But when you asked me months later for clearance what actually happened I suddenly doubted it was you10 Dec 11:05 PM - Berlin: Why would you tell me to FO only to ask why I disappeared many weeks later...10 Dec 11:06 PM - Berlin: So that's why I replied to your FB message10 Dec 11:06 PM - Berlin: I don't think it was you. Wouldn't make sense from today's perspective... Or would it?
10 Dec 11:07 PM - Trudy: I don't know. Sense seems to be a ridiculous word at the moment10 Dec 11:08 PM - Trudy: So we're in this truth telling place10 Dec 11:08 PM - Trudy: Please tell me what happened then when we first met10 Dec 11:08 PM - Trudy: You weren't feeling it? At all?
10 Dec 11:09 PM - Berlin: When we first met? On Skype or personally?
10 Dec 11:09 PM - Trudy: Online. Skype.10 Dec 11:11 PM - Berlin: I was feeling a very close connection! And it was sexy too! But I didn't feel butterflies Trudy10 Dec 11:11 PM - Berlin: To relativize this10 Dec 11:11 PM - Berlin: I've never really felt butterflies with my wife either10 Dec 11:12 PM - Berlin: In fact10 Dec 11:12 PM - Berlin: I haven't felt butterflies for at least 25 years10 Dec 11:12 PM - Berlin: That's a quarter century
10 Dec 11:13 PM - Trudy: Zanzibar girl
10 Dec 11:13 PM - Berlin: But I'm longing for that10 Dec 11:13 PM - Berlin: Yes10 Dec 11:14 PM - Berlin: First Zanzibar girl and when she disappointed 419 girl popped up immediately afterwards10 Dec 11:14 PM - Berlin: Midlife crisis maybe...10 Dec 11:14 PM - Berlin: Hormones10 Dec 11:14 PM - Berlin: I don't know...10 Dec 11:15 PM - Berlin: I'm acting like a teen suddenly
10 Dec 11:15 PM - Trudy: Don't diminish yourself like that
10 Dec 11:16 PM - Berlin: Well it's the typical age for that kind of crap10 Dec 11:17 PM - Berlin: Other guys put on leather jackets and buy Harley Davidsons
10 Dec 11:17 PM - Trudy: The saddest fucking thing for you and me is that the 'real love" that happened to us both was bullshit made up scams10 Dec 11:17 PM - Trudy: Manufactured by people intent on stealing from us.10 Dec 11:18 PM - Trudy: That's the brutal truth
10 Dec 11:18 PM - Berlin: That's why I'm thinking this online thing doesn't work
10 Dec 11:18 PM - Trudy: Mine wasn't online
10 Dec 11:18 PM - Berlin: Yes you're right
10 Dec 11:18 PM - Trudy: It was in my company. And my bed.10 Dec 11:18 PM - Trudy: Fucking brutal
10 Dec 11:19 PM - Berlin: But where did you meet him?10 Dec 11:19 PM - Trudy: He targeted me10 Dec 11:19 PM - Trudy: Came to my company10 Dec 11:20 PM - Trudy: Offered help. Asked for help10 Dec 11:20 PM - Trudy: Long story
10 Dec 11:20 PM - Berlin: He charmed you
10 Dec 11:20 PM - Trudy: Doesn't change the fact that we were both in relationships that didn't actually exist10 Dec 11:21 PM - Trudy: Charmed me. Seduced me. Made me love him. I feel like a real fool10 Dec 11:21 PM - Trudy: Stole 1.5 million from me
10 Dec 11:21 PM - Berlin: No. Well Zanzibar girl did actually exist. And we actually met...10 Dec 11:22 PM - Berlin: WHAT????
10 Dec 11:22 PM - Trudy: Yup.
10 Dec 11:22 PM - Berlin: Did you give him access to your accounts?
10 Dec 11:23 PM - Trudy: He ran the accounts10 Dec 11:23 PM - Trudy: And payroll10 Dec 11:23 PM - Trudy: I loved him
10 Dec 11:23 PM - Berlin: Yes you told me...
10 Dec 11:23 PM - Trudy: And trusted him completely
10 Dec 11:24 PM - Berlin: Well I was dumb enough to give a helluva lot of info to someone I've never even met!10 Dec 11:24 PM - Berlin: At least you met the guy
10 Dec 11:24 PM - Trudy: So I was still in the early stages of learning that when I met you
10 Dec 11:25 PM - Berlin: Were in bed with him10 Dec 11:25 PM - Berlin: Got seduced old fashioned style
10 Dec 11:25 PM - Trudy: I was still trying to make myself believe that the money paid to him was a mistake.10 Dec 11:26 PM - Trudy: Couldn't believe he would do that to me.10 Dec 11:27 PM - Trudy: Still trying to recover from the shock and trauma of catching him cheating on me
10 Dec 11:27 PM - Berlin: Fuck it's a vicious world out there10 Dec 11:27 PM - Berlin: Dog eat dog10 Dec 11:28 PM - Berlin: You know it but you never think it'll hit you10 Dec 11:28 PM - Berlin: Well the cheating is one thing
10 Dec 11:28 PM - Trudy: My company was tanking because he paid himself a 'bonus' of 645k in feb
10 Dec 11:29 PM - Berlin: Men think with their dicks sometimes remember
10 Dec 11:29 PM - Trudy: I only found out that in May
10 Dec 11:29 PM - Berlin: But stealing is a totally different story10 Dec 11:29 PM - Trudy: Berlin he cheated on me from day one. With every woman he could lay his hands on10 Dec 11:30 PM - Berlin: Where is he now?
10 Dec 11:30 PM - Trudy: So that was the train wreck you walked in on
10 Dec 11:31 PM - Berlin: Yes I know and then the health issue came in addition10 Dec 11:31 PM - Berlin: Fuck10 Dec 11:31 PM - Berlin: I'm sorry I let you down there Trudy
10 Dec 11:31 PM - Trudy: Bastard is now suing me for wrongful dismissal. Says I fired him because I was heartbroken
10 Dec 11:32 PM - Berlin: But the case was dropped wasn't it?
10 Dec 11:32 PM - Trudy: That is so humiliating. In Court. I'm being painted as the vengeful heartbroken woman
10 Dec 11:33 PM - Berlin: Or he lost...
10 Dec 11:33 PM - Trudy: No.
10 Dec 11:33 PM - Berlin: Oh it's still going on?
10 Dec 11:33 PM - Trudy: Only happening now10 Dec 11:33 PM - Trudy: Will take 3 years
10 Dec 11:33 PM - Berlin: Jeez...
10 Dec 11:34 PM - Trudy: So the health stuff and the emo stuff are all interlinked10 Dec 11:34 PM - Trudy: And you couldn't have known how fucked up I was10 Dec 11:34 PM - Trudy: I didn't even know how fucked up I was10 Dec 11:35 PM - Trudy: I had a very brief fling with a friend of mine before I went on AM.
10 Dec 11:36 PM - Berlin: You told me
10 Dec 11:36 PM - Trudy: like you, he picked up on my vulnerability and kept me at arm's length10 Dec 11:36 PM - Trudy: We only slept together once
10 Dec 11:37 PM - Berlin: Did I pick up on your vulnerability?
10 Dec 11:37 PM - Trudy: You told me you did. Maybe you've forgotten
10 Dec 11:38 PM - Berlin: What do you mean by "pick up on"?
10 Dec 11:38 PM - Trudy: But he encouraged me to 'get out there' and play the field
10 Dec 11:39 PM - Trudy: Umm.... Just aware of. ..Nervous of. ..10 Dec 11:39 PM - Trudy: So that's when I signed up for AM10 Dec 11:39 PM - Trudy: I was trying to heal a broken heart by playing the field
10 Dec 11:40 PM - Berlin: I'm in German mode up here remember...10 Dec 11:40 PM - Berlin: Yes that's what I did after Zanzibar girl
10 Dec 11:40 PM - Trudy: I wanted to have a few boys in play so I wouldn't get hooked on anyone10 Dec 11:40 PM - Trudy: And distract myself from John pain
10 Dec 11:41 PM - Berlin: But then you did... ☺️
10 Dec 11:41 PM - Trudy: Yup.10 Dec 11:42 PM - Trudy: I kept telling myself it was just casual. Trying to keep my distance10 Dec 11:42 PM - Trudy: But then I also got that connection.10 Dec 11:42 PM - Trudy: I don't think I fell in love or anything10 Dec 11:43 PM - Trudy: But the connection was strong and it felt lovely and mutual.10 Dec 11:43 PM - Trudy: But I got sicker and needier.10 Dec 11:44 PM - Trudy: And I could feel that was suddenly too much for you10 Dec 11:44 PM - Trudy: I felt you suddenly exit. From connected to supporting10 Dec 11:45 PM - Trudy: I was losing you. But I didn't want to acknowledge that. Or call it10 Dec 11:46 PM - Trudy: I hoped we would find that connected space again when you got here10 Dec 11:47 PM - Trudy: I was losing myself too. Disappearing into a very deep hole. Was afraid for you to see me in that state. Was hoping I'd have a week or so to bounce back before we meet up10 Dec 11:47 PM - Trudy: And then nothing at all. Fuck that hurt.
10 Dec 11:48 PM - Berlin: I could feel that something was going on with you
10 Dec 11:48 PM - Trudy: I kept telling myself stories about what had happened to you. Giving you a GIANT benefit of the doubt10 Dec 11:49 PM - Trudy: I didn't want to contact you after that disaster with the masturbation message10 Dec 11:50 PM - Trudy: Was afraid I'd time it badly and bust you in front of your wife or daughter10 Dec 11:50 PM - Trudy: Wanted to protect you in your family space
10 Dec 11:50 PM - Berlin: So it wasn't really a huge surprise when this AM trap happened. Maybe I was even playing with it... subconsciously... and to this day I don't know what happened there...
10 Dec 11:51 PM - Trudy: Waited it out. Checked my phone a million times a day10 Dec 11:51 PM - Trudy: Ugh
10 Dec 11:51 PM - Berlin: After that masturbation message
10 Dec 11:51 PM - Trudy: I didn't want to face the rejection and abandonment
10 Dec 11:51 PM - Berlin: I have all notifications off10 Dec 11:52 PM - Berlin: And always put my cell face down10 Dec 11:52 PM - Berlin: Always! At home or outside10 Dec 11:53 PM - Berlin: See how we change our behavioral patterns? Eish....
10 Dec 11:53 PM - Trudy: Hear me Berlin
10 Dec 11:53 PM - Berlin: I'm just asking myself what stage you mean10 Dec 11:54 PM - Berlin: When you say a million times a day
10 Dec 11:54 PM - Trudy: From when you got on the plane.10 Dec 11:54 PM - Trudy: Was the last I ever heard from you.
10 Dec 11:55 PM - Berlin: ...for a while... But now you know why!10 Dec 11:55 PM - Berlin: I still wonder what it was10 Dec 11:56 PM - Berlin: So you had absolutely nothing to do with it?10 Dec 11:56 PM - Berlin: It sounded so much like your language10 Dec 11:57 PM - Berlin: The way I was wacked verbally10 Dec 11:57 PM - Berlin: Calling me Berlin...
10 Dec 11:57 PM - Trudy: If you knew how sick and broken I was by then you would never have imagined it was me10 Dec 11:58 PM - Trudy: I didn't have it in me
10 Dec 11:58 PM - Berlin: ):
10 Dec 11:58 PM - Trudy: And I seldom take anyone out verbally or otherwise10 Dec 11:59 PM - Trudy: You use the words ' a while'10 Dec 11:59 PM - Trudy: But that 'while' was the longest 4 weeks of my life11 Dec 12:00 AM - Trudy: This wasn't about unrequited love11 Dec 12:00 AM - Trudy: For me it was about brutal abandonment and rejection
11 Dec 12:00 AM - Berlin: But it wasn't that
11 Dec 12:01 AM - Trudy: I couldn't understand how you would just say ciao and see ya later , and then go11 Dec 12:01 AM - Trudy: I know that now Berlin
11 Dec 12:01 AM - Berlin: Can you understand now?
11 Dec 12:01 AM - Trudy: But I didn't then. And that's when it hurt
11 Dec 12:01 AM - Berlin: I was told to fuck off
11 Dec 12:02 AM - Trudy: And after 4 weeks of utter bewilderment you suddenly walk into my friend's dating profile
11 Dec 12:03 AM - Berlin: Deja vu for me then11 Dec 12:03 AM - Berlin: Was just like the first trap11 Dec 12:03 AM - Berlin: Kind of at least11 Dec 12:03 AM - Berlin: From my perspective then
11 Dec 12:04 AM - Trudy: And that's when I did hit a wall. I couldn't fathom how I could have spent an entire month waiting for you to contact me, trying to explain it away and trust you to connect. .. and then I realise you're out there hunting again11 Dec 12:05 AM - Trudy: Fuck. I felt so discarded.11 Dec 12:05 AM - Trudy: It was just a bridge too far
11 Dec 12:05 AM - Berlin: I'm sorry for the pain I caused Trudy. It's the last thing I want to do!
11 Dec 12:06 AM - Trudy: Thanks Berlin. A lot of it was of my own making11 Dec 12:06 AM - Trudy: But it would have been kinder of you to tell me the truth.11 Dec 12:06 AM - Trudy: But not easy I know
11 Dec 12:07 AM - Berlin: About the butterflies?
11 Dec 12:07 AM - Trudy: Yes
11 Dec 12:07 AM - Berlin: In that situation?
11 Dec 12:07 AM - Trudy: Yes
11 Dec 12:07 AM - Berlin: No
11 Dec 12:07 AM - Trudy: When you started moving on11 Dec 12:08 AM - Trudy: Probably not feasible I know11 Dec 12:08 AM - Trudy: Was an impossible situation
11 Dec 12:08 AM - Berlin: Trudy I couldn't say that to you in that situation11 Dec 12:08 AM - Berlin: I wanted to at a later stage11 Dec 12:09 AM - Berlin: And it wasn't nice to think about it11 Dec 12:09 AM - Berlin: But I knew I had to
11 Dec 12:09 AM - Trudy: In my head we had decided to give 'Us' a go. I had closed off all my other chats and I thought you had too
11 Dec 12:10 AM - Berlin: But it was impossible to do that when you were suffering like that11 Dec 12:10 AM - Berlin: And remember11 Dec 12:10 AM - Berlin: Oh I didn't chat either then Trudy!11 Dec 12:10 AM - Berlin: At some stage I started looking11 Dec 12:11 AM - Berlin: But I didn't send messages or anything11 Dec 12:12 AM - Berlin: I got my messages from my 21-year old big breasted Spanish girls that didn't speak Spanish. I opened them and grinned at the Nigerians but I never chatted11 Dec 12:13 AM - Berlin: Then one day I got a different message... The one I told you about11 Dec 12:13 AM - Berlin: And that's when our communication died11 Dec 12:14 AM - Berlin: For those torturous weeks11 Dec 12:14 AM - Berlin: And I'm very sorry for that!!
11 Dec 12:15 AM - Trudy: Shew11 Dec 12:15 AM - Trudy: Marathon session11 Dec 12:15 AM - Trudy: Thanks for hearing me11 Dec 12:15 AM - Trudy: Do you feel heard?
11 Dec 12:16 AM - Berlin: Thank you back. Much easier this way without getting my ears whacked!!11 Dec 12:16 AM - Trudy: I'm all bark no bite
11 Dec 12:16 AM - Berlin: No, I have to thank you Trudy!11 Dec 12:17 AM - Berlin: Also for approaching me again after those weeks11 Dec 12:17 AM - Berlin: I was as puzzled as you
11 Dec 12:18 AM - Trudy: It took a lot of courage I have to say
11 Dec 12:18 AM - Berlin: I know!!!!!11 Dec 12:18 AM - Berlin: I was angry
11 Dec 12:18 AM - Trudy: But I couldn't let go the connection of those first few days
11 Dec 12:18 AM - Berlin: You were sad
11 Dec 12:20 AM - Trudy: I kept telling my mates that there was more to you. That I knew you. I had felt you and connected with you and I couldn't believe you were all asshole no real person. There had to be more to the story
11 Dec 12:22 AM - Berlin: I still have that image in front of me... You in lascivious pose on Skype while I was in Berlin... Showing that same shoulder I saw on your gym pic again now..,
11 Dec 12:22 AM - Trudy: And I remember seeing you on Skype for the first time11 Dec 12:22 AM - Trudy: We both went quiet11 Dec 12:23 AM - Trudy: And just looked11 Dec 12:23 AM - Trudy: And I was taking you in and thinking you were just perfect11 Dec 12:23 AM - Trudy: And you said 'I so want to kiss you now'
11 Dec 12:24 AM - Berlin: No I'm not perfect
11 Dec 12:24 AM - Trudy: ☺ bit of a melting moment11 Dec 12:24 AM - Trudy: I don't mean perfect perfect
11 Dec 12:24 AM - Berlin: Wasn't easy to say that
11 Dec 12:24 AM - Trudy: Just perfect for me
11 Dec 12:24 AM - Berlin: Via Skype ☺️
11 Dec 12:25 AM - Trudy: I know. That's what made it so lovely. It was full of vulnerability and realness
11 Dec 12:26 AM - Berlin: You're a very sensitive person...11 Dec 12:26 AM - Berlin: And on the outside you're tough
11 Dec 12:26 AM - Trudy: Yes
11 Dec 12:27 AM - Berlin: That's what I like about you
11 Dec 12:27 AM - Trudy: Vulnerable. But I'm also real and honest and brave.11 Dec 12:27 AM - Trudy: people don't believe me
11 Dec 12:27 AM - Berlin: Yes you are
11 Dec 12:27 AM - Trudy: Weird11 Dec 12:28 AM - Trudy: I try to be open and up front with where I'm at. Terrifies most people
11 Dec 12:28 AM - Berlin: It's actually funny11 Dec 12:29 AM - Berlin: Not easy to be honest these days..,11 Dec 12:29 AM - Berlin: People find it scary
11 Dec 12:29 AM - Trudy: Yes11 Dec 12:29 AM - Trudy: But I'm naive about it11 Dec 12:29 AM - Trudy: I keep thinking everyone will be the same with me11 Dec 12:29 AM - Berlin: Stay like that please!!!
11 Dec 12:30 AM - Trudy: You haven't read my blog, have you?
11 Dec 12:30 AM - Berlin: You know one reason why we connected?11 Dec 12:30 AM - Berlin: Because I'm the same
11 Dec 12:31 AM - Trudy: I know
11 Dec 12:31 AM - Berlin: That's why I fall in love with a Nigerian on the Internet11 Dec 12:31 AM - Berlin: I'm doff11 Dec 12:31 AM - Berlin: But I'm not
11 Dec 12:32 AM - Trudy: I'm so sorry that happened to you11 Dec 12:32 AM - Trudy: Butterflies and all
11 Dec 12:32 AM - Berlin: No I haven't read the blog yet
11 Dec 12:32 AM - Trudy: It's very long11 Dec 12:33 AM - Trudy: But if you click on the 'online dating' theme on the right it will sift out "the story of Berlin"
11 Dec 12:33 AM - Berlin: Still got a huge pile of documents and articles that I have to read through
11 Dec 12:33 AM - Trudy: Read from the oldest to newest11 Dec 12:33 AM - Trudy: Sometime
11 Dec 12:33 AM - Berlin: Will do!
11 Dec 12:34 AM - Trudy: No pressure. When you're curious
11 Dec 12:34 AM - Berlin: So it won't be deleted at some stage?
11 Dec 12:34 AM - Trudy: No. In fact I might publish a book.11 Dec 12:35 AM - Trudy: It's all anonymous.11 Dec 12:35 AM - Trudy: And I would publish as Trudy North
11 Dec 12:35 AM - Berlin: Know what? I think I'm growing old
11 Dec 12:36 AM - Trudy: Why?
11 Dec 12:36 AM - Berlin: My vision is getting seriously blurry now
11 Dec 12:36 AM - Trudy: It's almost 1
11 Dec 12:36 AM - Berlin: Chatting on an iPhone all the time
11 Dec 12:36 AM - Trudy: Way past my bedtime
11 Dec 12:37 AM - Berlin: It's one hour behind here
11 Dec 12:37 AM - Trudy: It's all those months with your Nigerian
11 Dec 12:39 AM - Berlin: Don't mention them... Although she had a soft capetonian voice... Nothing Nigerian... They're not far from me... I'll find them
11 Dec 12:39 AM - Trudy: I'll help11 Dec 12:39 AM - Trudy: Goodnight Berlin11 Dec 12:40 AM - Trudy: Thanks for truth telling.
11 Dec 12:40 AM - Berlin: Sleep tight Trudy!
And so endeth this particular phase of the online dating life of Trudy North. A healing conversation. Some real courage from us both. Patience. And believing in what my heart told me. Not every man in this world is bad. Shades of grey all around me.