Monday, 1 December 2014

Let's live Apart a bit Longer

Ugh. Another yukky conversation with my husband yesterday. We're living apart at the moment - I'm camping up at my dad's place with my two younger sons, and he and my eldest are staying at the 'building site' where he is preparing our 'interim house' for occupation while my 'Nkandla' tribal house is being built.

Every time we have a 'serious conversation' we end up just getting into the same old gutter conversation: he is still so angry at me for falling in love with John, and thinks I have destroyed our whole family with that. He says he was my biggest fan for 15 years, but now, he can't think about  me without being angry. And he says he gave me everything he could, and that wasn't good enough for me. And I respond by saying we were both responsible for our relationship not surviving - that me falling for John was a consequence, not a cause. That I was alone and neglected emotionally for years by my husband. And his response is that he cannot compete with my 'view of the world' and that he feels nothing for me: no love. No compassion. No care. Just anger.

I try to show him that he is not capable of caring emotionally for me. How his neglect is very serious for me and how I have needed his love and care and support when I am weak, not just when I am strong. I tried to remind him how he despised me in my weakness, and abandoned me whenever he could when I was most needy. And he reminded me of all the practical things he did to support me - buying the right food, giving me my daily injections when I needed vitamin B and fertility injections and so on. Back and forth. Up and down. The familiar fight of years of marriage. He says he no longer wants to see himself through my eyes - he doesn't like the person I reflect to him. I guess we both left the conversation unheard and sad. Again.

But the real reason for the initiation of the conversation is that he doesn't want me to move down to the temporary house yet. He's enjoying his freedom. Doesn't want to have me around him 24/7 because he says he can't operate without being angry with me. He thinks that he, his mom (!!!!!) and my eldest son should live there and I should stay on at my dad's with the boys. That really pisses me off. I want to go there. I need my family to be together and whole. I need my own space. My own TV. My own family. My family needs to be together.

I want him to move himself from this angry place to his compassionate place. He has received so much care and compassion over time. He is in a happy and connected loving place with his girlfriend. I am very alone, broken, sick and sad. But even from his loving space, he cannot muster the care that he could at least pretend to feel. Much easier for him to just bash and criticize and lash out at me. I'm so glad I don't expect anything from him - I would have felt so very fucked up if I did. It's just when he shoves in my face again how little he currently cares for me that I once again feel the sadness and loss. And anger.

I'm actually glad we are separated during this time of mine where I have been so very very sick. I know that if we had been together he would still have abandoned me and left me to muddle along on my own. And the hurt would have been that much bigger than it is now, when I at least have only minimal expectations of any support from him at all. I just get so incredibly frustrated when he doesn't even see that happening... I am still invisible. Still suffering his Invisible Neglect.

Just a temporary sore moment. I'll move along from this one ASAP. Not into wallowing over what did and did not happen in my marriage. Just feels 'Ugh' with no real solution. Wondering how we will navigate our 'open marriage' going forward.

Sent him the 'Anger' saying at the beginning of this post this morning. Would probably just piss him off even more. Tough Shit. I'm not going to tiptoe around him any more. He can just deal with my bad behaviour as I have had to deal with his over the past few years. And I think it's HIS turn to try and be a nice person, even in the face of that.

Hmm..... just reread this in the late afternoon - I sound really bitchy. Just checked the calendar...period due in 5 days...PMT clearly kicking in!

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