I get back to work after having a bit of reflection time. I know I'm feeling sore, but my need to support Berlin now outweighs any pain I'm feeling. And I know his pain is high. Bewildered. Disoriented. Coming out of the fog. Not knowing what's real and what's not. So I'm lighthearted about my own pain for now - absolutely the wrong time to call him on how he dealt me. Most definitely saved for another day!
Ok. Lighthearted banter done. He knows I'm not OK. I'm not pretending and hiding my feelings from him. But not nailing him with guilt and bitterness now. He's not in any state to hear or deal it. Good Trudy - GIANT steps away from how you would have dealt this in the past.
On with the practical stuff:
I head into therapy and have the 'Hall of Mirrors' conversation with my shrink. I come out more bullet proof than when I went in. I am grounded and clear about what's happening here for me.
I'm stopping here for a moment. This bit really hurt. and it all echoes in that Hall of Mirrors. I remember saying just this to my friend Nikki when talking about Berlin and trying to understand why he had disappeared: "But there was real love in his voice. I can't have imagined it".
I remember a moment when we were talking to each other on Skype. I was so besotted with him and when I actually saw him on the screen I was just flooded with joy. I felt already that I loved him so. We just watched each other. Quiet. Taking each other in. Then he said "I want to kiss you right now".
Real? Mirrors? Fuck knows.
I'm going to publish the resources here in my next blog - if anyone reading this is in the middle of a suspected online con, these may help you also begin to understand what's happening. The more I read, the more I realise that this is SUCH a common thing. And that one of the boys I said 'Yes' to on Tinder a couple of days ago was one of these scamsters (the one that disappeared after I asked where he was, suddenly over a thousand miles away). So I was THIS close to walking into a similar trap that Berlin was in!! Flip, Online dating isn't just about protecting your heart. It's about dodging the thousands of scamsters out there just WAITING to work their way into your heart and wallet!!!! Fuck -people are evil!!!
Another HUGE ouch for me! Flip! Berlin has actually had the conversation he told me he wanted to have with his wife about sleeping with other people. When we were connecting, he was feeling too afraid of her reaction to raise it with her. It would have been such a perfect relationship if he had done that for us, rather than phantom girl: with both his and my spouses on board we could have had a legitimate relationship without hiding it from anyone. What are the chances of that happening, like,ever, for me with someone else. Fuck man! Talk about the road not travelled!!!
Anyway - back to the saga:
Sigh. Ag. Whatever.
I think I'll post the resources in my next blog - too much info here, and the text messaging takes up so much space. Please go on to the next blog if you need to find help.