Keep Out of the Hall of Mirrors

Well I left you with a cliffhanger yesterday! And I had no idea how and when this new revelation would play out. Well it played out. It really played out. I've been wondering whether the Universe really loves these little funny game shifters she sends my way - just having her little joke?

I think the best way to tell this story is in text messages: I'm going to just lay them out here for you to follow. Some of them are disjointed and out of order as often happens in a text conversation when both people are typing at the same time - just read - it should make sense as you go on...

The last thing I told you about was Berlin asking me: "Trudy? Can I tell you something?" at 1.32 AM. Then nothing for hours and hours. and then

I wasn't quite honest with you

Yes my wife has realized that she should probably do something

But I also fell in live with someone I met on Ashley Madison

I'm listening. Nothing better than real conversations.

In love

Madly!!!

I didn't want to tell you because I thought it would make you sad

And I don't want to make you sad

Her name was Tash

She killed herself yesterday

Because of me

Fuck

What!!!!!!

It does make me sad. But fuck Berlin

What the fuck happened

You don't have anyone to talk to but me right now. You better talk it out.

I'm guessing nobody else knows about you and her

No

I don't really go back to AM

I deleted the *xxx* account

But I had another one

That I never really used

Forgot about it except once in a while when they suggest somebody to you by email

I had a look once or twice out of curiosity but nothing more

Then yesterday I got an email that I have a message

Thought it was one of those scams again with 21-year old sexy Spanish babes that don't speak Spanish

But here was this early 40's blond architect

So I started chatting out of curiosity and it quickly took a direction that wasn't really intended from my side

Straight to the point

When do we fuck, where, how big is your cock a.s.o.

Almost military style

But I was baffled somehow and played the game for some stupid reason

Turned out it was Tash's ex husband who sent her the transcript of our communication

She phoned me and told me

But I got angry because I felt spied upon and thought it was her or her brother

I was harsh and hung up

Then she slit her wrists and stabbed her jugular vein

She's dead

How do you know?

She sent me an email that she just slit her wrists and would cut her jugular vein in a couple of minutes

Have you slept with her?

I tried to phone her immediately but was on the road and didn't have airtime

Know where she lives?

So I told her family and they rushed her to hospital

The rest I know from them

No I haven't

She's Muslim and just got divorced

Oh. Ok. Just thought it may have been a trick. I'm very suspicious nowadays. Definitely verified by multiple family?

They have this 4-month Idah period after a divorce

Where a woman can't see other men

It was almost over

Why should I be suspicious?

I mean nobody is asking me to cover the funeral costs or something....

Don't know. But someone who kills themselves is very very broken.

She was broken by her husband before

And someone could also manipulate you emotionally as a very cruel prank

He broke her jaw and ribs when he found out about us

Jesus

After neglecting and maltreating her for years

You've met face to face?

So yes she was broken

Berlin, you must be feeling horrible. And devastated. I'm so sorry

Nope. Weren't allowed to because of Idah. But we spoke for hours on the phone and chatted

Skype?

And if I didn't chat with her I chatted with her brother who us pissed off with me now of course

Nope. Actually don't know why... We were so in our phone and Threema mode we never really thought about skype... Weird actually...

This thing feels extreme.

Like it's a madeup story.

What?

I'm hoping actually that you've been catfished and that nobody died

Even I'm hoping that

But it could also be true

Fuck. You've been to hell in last 24 hours

But we were chatting intensely for many weeks and every morning I had my wakeup messages and all.... Money was never an issue as her ex is stinking rich and she a doctor... We spoke about literature and different countries and all and it all had substance... So what would someone gain from that if it was fake?

Of course I asked myself that sometimes

Especially in the beginning

Are you Facebook friends?

No she's not on FB

Photos?

So have you got the story so far? His online lover just killed herself as far as he knows. Hectic!!! Only who is she really? He has not met her in the 3 or 4 months they've been chatting online. He's hopelessly in love with her. And is now devastated that she is dead because of him flirting with another woman online - a 'trick' set up by her 'ex husband'. And there's a 'brother' who is really pissed off at Berlin right now.

And I'm suspicious as hell. It all seems like a crazy made-up drama, not unlike the kinds of things that have played out on the Catfish series I've loved to watch. Too many obvious issues: they have never met; or talked on Skype; she doesn't kill herself when her 'husband beats her up' but does when she and Berlin have 'harsh words'.

But he doesn't see these inconsistencies yet. He's drowning in shock and sadness and guilt and loss. And now at his most vulnerable and disoriented. Probably ever. So I go practical. Immediately. Not the most empathetic or consoling approach, I do confess, but I was suddenly sure he had been set up, and the only way to really support him was to sniff out the scam if I could.

Sorry. I know the appropriate response from me right now is pure holding and compassion

But I want to be sure this isn't someone trying to hurt you in some sick revenge destructive catfish saga

I've been deeply deceived by some horrible people in my life and I know there are sick people around.

Would you let me do some internet sleuthing for you? If you send me some photos you have of her i can try find her.

Ach Trudy whatever the case she's gone....

But just out of curiosity

I know I should actually know that as a journalist

But how do you search the internet for someone with a picture?

There's a huge difference between grieving a woman you loved or recovering from an asshole who Catfished you.

Google search the image

I've researched all the boys I've met online like that

Yes so I wouldn't be grieving but couldn't sleep because I'm so pissed off...

Really?

So you just go on Google, click on images and then paste your pic in the search line?

In Google images

Then you find if the pic has been used anywhere else on the net

Linked in profiles etc

Catfish people usually steal images off the net. Often from someone's Facebook profile

There is another site they use on that Catfish series I told you about

Fuck. Why was I so keen you watch those doccies? I'm often a channel for universe messages like that. Did I sense you needed to protect yourself from someone like that?

But what do they gain from it Trudy?

Sometimes money. Sometimes the sheer joy of fucking with people.

I mean just think of the money she spent on hour long telephone calls to Hamburg?

Could be completely real Berlin.

I'll Google Catfish people now

Got me curious

I never really managed to see those docis you sent

I'm just sorting out my sick child. But I'll go to work soon and try find relevant ones for you

Any luck on image Googling yet?

Ok cool, thanks. Sick child?

Ag. Normal shit. Flu

Normal shit... Ag....

Thanks for listening Trudy!!

Shew. And now I have some time to myself before I go back in to help him. I'm quite shattered actually. Because besides empathising with his shock and grief (which I can feel, viscerally in my own body - does everyone feel that?), I also feel my own heart taking a beating. He lied to me. Left me behind and 'went off' with this woman he is now 'Madly in Love' with. Left me hanging. And didn't let me out of my misery for months because he  thought I would be 'sad'. Fuck. Sad doesn't even come close to it. His abandonment of me couldn't have been worse timing than if I'd accidentally walked in front of a bullet! I was already broken from John's saga, and was just not equipped to deal another discard and abandonment. It sent me down a very deep hole. 

I know this is my bitter inside voice talking - I've learned a lot about how I create abandonment in the people who love me by how I keep them away from my neediness. But Berlin I had let in. I showed it to him. He headed for the hills and left me so alone. And I will say to him sometime that I know it's not his fault that I was SO vulnerable when we met. But I was. And I opened myself to him. And he left. And now he's back needing me - nobody else knows about this 'Affair' side of his life, so he'll need a friend.

And my readers roar 'Noooooooooooo! Not you!!!!' Let him find another fucking friend!' 

And my shrink says: "Stay away from the hall of mirrors! It's not safe for you there. You are conditioned to nurture and care. It's what you're driven to do. It's the medicine you take whenever your own needs are not being met. You are now dangerously vulnerable to this man. Be careful Trudy, this is NOT your safe place."

And it IS a hall of mirrors. That nightmarish place where you reach your hand out to touch the thing you desire only to find it was an illusion. Illusions within illusions. Layers and layers of intrigue and lies and spun stories. I am so very fresh out of my own Truman Show. Only to find a bit of it here - things not completely as they seemed with Berlin - hoping we could find a way back together when there was really no chance at all. His mirrors. My mirrors. You see what I mean by the Universe having her little joke?

There's even a remote chance that another mirror still plays out evilly in the background. What if Berlin is a Sociopath himself? And is clever enough to make this whole thing up to try to hook me in and con me?? It's the perfect bait - create a drama that I know well and con me into rescuing him, and then charm his way into my pants. An earlier version of Trudy would have scoffed at this possibility. But this Trudy, poor, brutalized Trudy, savvy warrior woman Trudy, is watching. Carefully.

This isn't the end of yesterday's story. I'll continue in my next blog. I just didn't want to lose all the lessons I am engaging with in this part. Most importantly, I am resolved to not allow this 'drama' to pull me back to Berlin. If he had wanted me, he would have sought me out. He didn't. He wanted someone else who turned out to be a phantom. A lot like John turned out to be my phantom, only on a whole other level. So we both are playing in the mirror room and I need to step out. I decide to walk with him on this road, but I'm no longer looking for a relationship with him. That ship has sailed. He has shown that he cares little for my heart, and I need to practice self care in this process, by protecting myself.