Posts
It begins as we get into the car to travel home together after the disastrous weekend we had in the bush. More of that story can be found on 'Betrayal' and 'Remembering the bad stuff as Protection against Charm'.
18 May 11:54 AM - Trudy North: Brushed our teeth together
for the last time. If I ever write my book about this journey I'll call it ' it
began and ended with toothpaste'.
18 May 4:32 PM - Trudy North: Long journey home. Brutal.
Gentle. Pain. Insight. Regret. Loss. Sad
sad farewells.
(I finally returned John's phone to him at this point after he dropped me off at home)
18 May 4:33 PM - John Smith: I will read this space always -
and keep it as a history of the journey
18 May 4:35 PM - John Smith: Devastated now ..... horribly
sad and lonely. I cant yet begin to fathom or even imagine how much pain I
have inflicted
18 May 4:38 PM - Trudy North: Please keep yourself safe
through this pain my love. I know it's going to be devastatingly brutal for you
now. Feel it but know you have sons who love and need you to become the father
you can be to them. Stay in it. It will get better in time.
18 May 7:02 PM - Trudy North: Seeing that you're both active
on whatsapp this evening scaring me. Even tho you are now free to get together
whenever you please I'm just scared and sore. Not stopping you. Just saying.
18 May 7:05 PM - John Smith: Trudy ..... I haven't touched my
phone at all - I wouldn't do that to you now .... I cant imagine hurting you in
that way - sorry. (John continues to lie about this - he expects me to disbelieve the evidence of my own eyes with the 'last seen' timestamp on WhatsApp)
18 May 7:06 PM - Debbie: There hasn't been any contact
between us
18 May 7:07 PM - Trudy North: I'm going to struggle so much
to stop loving you. This is so fucking sore.
18 May 7:07 PM - Trudy North: Thanks guys.
18 May 7:08 PM - John Smith: Please don't stop Trudy
18 May 7:19 PM - John Smith: I am not deliberately being
insensitive Debbie - Sorry, but I have always been as straight forward as
possible with you about what you and I were doing. I am not trying to be a bastard here ...... and it feels
peculiar using this forum .. but my truth is that Trudy is the woman I want to
spend the rest of my life with
18 May 7:48 PM - Trudy North: John I've read those sext messages between 'you'
and Debbie again. You keep telling me there was no actual sex. Just humiliation
stuff. And yet she clearly talks about penetrative sex and blow jobs. And is as
worried as me about STDs. Are you prepared to deny it on this forum and give me
the opportunity to see her agreement or not with your assertion?
(So watch him try to avoid telling the truth here. His tactic is to try and work with what is said, AND to try shame Debbie into supporting his story...but hard to do that while I'm watching, naturally)
18 May 7:49 PM - Trudy North: And I know you enjoy
penetrative sex much more nowadays because you and I figured out how to make it
much more lovely together.
18 May 7:50 PM - Trudy North: How could she know that if you
two had not gone there?
18 May 7:51 PM - Trudy North: I'm. Sorry. This suddenly
feels so sordid. I just want the whole truth with no spin or bullshit.
18 May 7:53 PM - Trudy North: And John you lied to Debbie about your relationship
with me. She only found out we half live together when you invited her to our
house 2 weeks ago. She had no idea we've been in a committed relationship for
so long.
18 May 7:54 PM - Trudy North: So you weren't being as
straightforward as possible even with her
18 May 7:57 PM - John Smith: You are right .... I did lie to
Debbie about how long I have been in love with you. Trudy - Debbie ....... please meet, and please both be
honest and clear with one another. Tell the REAL truth .....I am so sorry for all this pain and heartache. Debbie - I used you - and Trudy will tell you how and why. I am terribly terribly sorry and embarrassed and humiliated
18 May 7:59 PM - Trudy North: John I already told you that if Debbie and I decide
to meet it will be for our own reasons and not yours. I need the truth from YOU
verified by Debbie here on this forum. Before you manipulate her into somehow
backing your story. I am so sorry this is embarrassing for you. But I need
truth.
18 May 8:04 PM - Trudy North: And Debbie deserves a proper
apology too. Not a backhanded one. She
has cherished you for many years even though you were too stuck in your own
stuff to see it.
18 May 8:05 PM - Trudy North: I'm sounding strident and
punishing here. That isn't actually my inside tone. I'm actually trying to be
in a kind and compassionate space with us all.
18 May 8:06 PM - Trudy North: We are all people who've been
bashed by life. Doing our best trying hard.
Making stupid mistakes. No
judgement here from me. I just want to know.
18 May 8:07 PM - John Smith: Debbie knows the truth about if
we have had penetrative sex ...... my words are just words, and I don't want to
be misheard. Sorry - I know how hard it is for you to be as kind as you
are being Trudy. I don't deserve it.
18 May 8:09 PM - John Smith: Debbie - I would like to meet
with you face to face. I deserve whatever you bring
18 May 8:10 PM - John Smith: In fact ..... whether the two
of you meet directly or not. As part of my apology to both of you, I would like us all
to meet
18 May 8:13 PM - Trudy North: I need time to think about
that. I'm very raw sore and I don't know if I'm up to it right now.
18 May 8:13 PM - John Smith: Sorry Trudy
18 May 8:40 PM - Trudy North: John . You're avoiding telling
the truth. Write it here. In words we can all see. Don't tell me Debbie knows
what the truth is. Just tell the truth. She can agree or deny when she reads
it.
18 May 8:40 PM - Debbie: If you were straight forward with
me, you would have told me about Trudy long ago, not only recently.
You've told me you love me.
You've told me that you can't share what we do with Trudy,
that it's unique to 'us'
You've made out that you're only with her to preserve your
job.
You've seduced and smooth-talked me into feeding your fetishes.
You're a fucking lying, using Bastard......who simply
doesn't want to lose your lifestyle.
Trudy, if you stay with him you're a fool, he'll never
change, only change tactics.
In spite of all of this I still wish you the best, all I've
ever done is want to please you at any cost......it's so fucked up!
18 May 8:41 PM - Trudy North: Nice John . Very nice.
18 May 8:42 PM - John Smith: It needs to come out
18 May 8:43 PM - John Smith: All of it needs to come out
into the open
18 May 8:43 PM - John Smith: I have been a lying using
bastard
18 May 8:44 PM - John Smith: And I have some disgusting
fetishes
18 May 8:45 PM - John Smith: Debbie ..... you have EVERY
RIGHT to say these things
18 May 8:45 PM - John Smith: To be horribly hurt and angry
18 May 8:46 PM - John Smith: Tell everything now ..... spare
nothing
18 May 8:47 PM - John Smith: My truth needs to be exposed
18 May 8:48 PM - Trudy North: You tell John . Don't be such
a coward. You're manipulating us both into doing your dirty work for you. We're
being fucking brave here. Man up! !!!!
18 May 8:49 PM - Trudy North: This truth is yours to tell.
To us both.
18 May 8:56 PM - John Smith: Debbie ..... you and I have not
had penetrative sex. I have always avoided it. My one BIG thing I have been begging you to do is piss on me
and let me lick your arse and dry your pussy
....... is THAT honest enough !!
18 May 9:01 PM - Trudy North: And what have you done while
you've been begging? ?
18 May 9:01 PM - John Smith: I ask you to flash your panties
at me
I have tied my cock. Wanked in front of you while you have watched me
18 May 9:03 PM - John Smith: I am a disgusting man
18 May 9:04 PM - John Smith: Depraved and sick
18 May 9:04 PM - John Smith: There you are ...... I have
said it
18 May 9:07 PM - Trudy North: What is disgusting about what
you have said here?
18 May 9:07 PM - Trudy North: Or depraved?
18 May 9:08 PM - Trudy North: Besides what you said to Debbie
about me which is completely disgusting.
18 May 9:09 PM - Trudy North: You made love to this woman.
And you are not admitting it.
18 May 9:17 PM - John Smith: No I have not ...... sorry Debbie. I have asked you to do some seriously weird and maybe
disgusting stuff - but we have not made love. ..... please tell me !!!!
18 May 9:21 PM - John Smith: But it IS true that I said I
could not share our "weirdness" with
Trudy, and I DID say it was unique to us. Maybe now all my shit is coming out, you are understanding
why
18 May 9:24 PM - Trudy North: You're with me to keep your
job???
18 May 9:25 PM - Trudy North: And you told her you love her? ?
18 May 9:27 PM - John Smith: No Trudy. And I never said that OR that I loved Debbie...... why are you not responding Debbie
18 May 9:30 PM - Debbie: John , to put it bluntly.......on
your white carpet in your lounge, I was on top and your cock was inside
me.....up, down, up, down....bring back memories? And later I was on the couch,
you still had rope around your cock and I swear it entered my vagina......or
did you trip and fall and just land in there?
The Monday of the same week the very same cock was inside
me.....you loved the juiciness........get real......be honest!
I did tell Trudy we have rarely had penetrative sex, that
much is true.
18 May 9:32 PM - Debbie: You didn't say you loved me that
day, but you have many times on the phone and when leaving after a visit to my
workplace
18 May 9:37 PM - John Smith: Thanks for answering Debbie. And for telling the truth
Its up to you to decide if we have had penetrative sex, and
also how and why I said I love you
I am not gonna defend myself
I am broken and humiliated beyond words now
I am very sorry for all of this misery I am causing you and Trudy
(All this obsession about penetrative sex is not that anyone is being pedantic about what constitutes 'Betrayal', it's more about sniffing out the lies he told - when he was pretending to be brutally honest with me. So Debbie and I are both chasing him down a rabbit hole here so he cannot defend this lie any more.)
(All this obsession about penetrative sex is not that anyone is being pedantic about what constitutes 'Betrayal', it's more about sniffing out the lies he told - when he was pretending to be brutally honest with me. So Debbie and I are both chasing him down a rabbit hole here so he cannot defend this lie any more.)
18 May 9:38 PM - Trudy North: It's not up to her to decide
18 May 9:38 PM - Trudy North: Of course it was that
18 May 9:39 PM - Trudy North: You've played us both for
fools for your selfish needs.
18 May 9:39 PM - Trudy North: Watching you trying to play
with the truth in front of my eyes is so revealing. You lie about everything.
18 May 9:40 PM - Trudy North: You would be so much more
respected if you could be trusted to be real.
18 May 9:40 PM - John Smith: You and Debbie need to meet
without me - I am getting in the way
18 May 9:41 PM - John Smith: Or maybe I need to be
interrogated by both of you face to face
18 May 9:41 PM - Trudy North: You want to play us John .
18 May 9:42 PM - Trudy North: Like fucking violins.
18 May 9:42 PM - John Smith: I want to face you both
18 May 9:42 PM - John Smith: At the same time
18 May 9:43 PM - John Smith: So I cant be accused of that
18 May 9:43 PM - Trudy North: Put us both in a room together
so you can use all the buttons you've built in us over the years to manipulate
and play us
18 May 9:43 PM - Debbie: Yup, you want to spin!
We will meet, without you and when we decide to
18 May 9:43 PM - Trudy North: And it won't be about you
18 May 9:43 PM - John Smith: Ok
18 May 9:45 PM - Trudy North: You fucked Debbie properly. In
my house. And lied to me about it all day. Manipulating me with bullshit to win
me back. Shame on you.
18 May 9:51 PM - John Smith: Trudy - Debbie ..... whenever
you DO meet, please be honest to each other
I cannot be accused or suspected of trying to
"spin" either of you any more
I know what I have and haven't done .... what I have and
haven't said
I have fucked up royally - and you two will sort it out for
me
18 May 9:52 PM - John Smith: I am very very sorry
18 May 9:52 PM - Trudy North: We will not sort it out for
you.
18 May 9:53 PM - John Smith: I didn't mean it that way
18 May 9:55 PM - John Smith: I love you Trudy
And I have fucked up my life and yours
You need and deserve a non-spin reality
18 May 9:55 PM - Trudy North: The person who is being
dishonest is you. Debbie and me have been very brave and honest here. Maybe
it's time to stop for the night. Maybe in the morning you will have new clarity
and fresh resolve
18 May 9:56 PM - John Smith: And so do you Debbie
19 May 6:05 AM - Trudy North: Horrible night. I'm still reeling after Debbie's revelations
last night. I feel so abused John . Your depravity lies in your deceit.
19 May 6:15 AM - Trudy North: I feel like I'm lost in some
dreadful Alice in wonderland story
.
19 May 6:31 AM - Trudy North: Here's what I see: you have
made me love you with all my heart. You
have been sleeping with Debbie on and off throughout our relationship and
before I met you. Taking her to more extreme sexual places than me but also
having a normal sexual relationship with her. You keep us both doing what you
do by making us both feel loved and telling us both you love us.
Her job is
fetish support
Mine is financial support.
So confident are you in your position with me that you
behave so badly at my company that I have to ban you from site to limit the
damage. Your job gets reduced to 20% of the work and you're mandated to
build new revenue streams. Which you don't do. You have not done 1 stitch of
work on that for 6 months.
I continue to do my job and yours. And you produce
spreadsheets that are full of mistakes that expensive teams spend meeting times
correcting
You are the most expensive person on the team. For 20%
productivity that creates work for everyone else.
You use your spare time generated by this clever plan to
pursue your sexual gratification online and with live warm bodies.
You manipulate me into paying for holidays and trips to Cape
Town and have paid your way twice that I
can remember. Both times you complained bitterly about how you couldn't afford
it
You explain to Debbie that you're only with me to keep your
job.
It's a masterful plan John . I have to hand it to you. Until
you get caught.
As I said to you yesterday. You need to find yourself a new
job. The way you have used and exploited me is despicable. I cannot allow
myself to be abused and exploited any more.
19 May 7:53 AM - Debbie: For the sake of transparency, Trudy
asked me to mention on this forum that John visited me more than once for sexual
'activities' just before going to see his shrink.
19 May 7:54 AM - Trudy North: Thanks Debbie
19 May 7:55 AM - Trudy North: Nice one John . It just gets
better.
19 May 8:02 AM - John Smith: I know that's what I said to you
Debbie ...... but I'm afraid it was another lie
I see my shrink on Wednesdays at two o'clock - so you will be
able to work out that I actually never met you before my sessions
(Sometimes Narcs lie just for the hell of it. Even when the truth would be better for them. It's part of their foundational pathological stuff.)
19 May 8:04 AM - Debbie: Um........ you did, on a few
Wednesdays.Why would I know this let alone make it up?
19 May 8:08 AM - John Smith: I didn't Debbie ...... sorry
19 May 8:09 AM - Debbie: Wow! Deny, deny, deny
Good modus operandi
19 May 8:09 AM - Trudy North: Don't lie John
19 May 8:11 AM - John Smith: Please think about it Debbie
And Trudy - you know where I am before I go to my shrink....
at least 99% of the time
19 May 8:12 AM - Trudy North: Yes. 'Lunch on your own'
19 May 8:13 AM - John Smith: I have lied so much that not
even my honesty here can be believed any more - I get that
(Poor sausage!! He can't be believed even when he tells the truth. Which he isn't. Poppit!)
19 May 8:14 AM - John Smith: And I am not denying you Debbie
!!!
19 May 8:14 AM - John Smith: Anything but, actually
19 May 8:17 AM - John Smith: My honesty is that I have used
you and abused you horrifically Debbie ..... and I am dreadfully sorry and
disgusted that I could have done such a thing to such a good person
19 May 8:18 AM - John Smith: You do not deserve to be
treated the way I have
19 May 8:20 AM - John Smith: And I am saying this in this
forum because I need to be honest (for once)
I have behaved and treated you disgustingly. I am very sorry indeed
19 May 8:25 AM - John Smith: And also in this forum, I want
to say openly for all the world to hear - that I have never used you Trudy, the
way you now think I have
My love for you is genuine and real .... and always has been
Now more than ever, in some cathartic and hideous way
(Lie - watch him try steal more money now from me in the courts. Fucking asshole dickhead!)
19 May 8:38 AM - John Smith: I have hurt and betrayed and
disgusted and desecrated both of you
And you have every right in the world to "get me
back" for being such an horrendous person.
Please do so - I deserve it
But don't lower yourselves to my level by creating more pain
and hurt than is already real
(Veiled threat??)
19 May 8:43 AM - Debbie: I take it that was for me?
You want me to seal Pandora's box?
Unfortunately we have to remind ourselves of your deviousness,
your callousness and your slick way of luring people back to you.
19 May 8:48 AM - John Smith: It was for both of you .... in
this open forum
No Debbie .... don't seal Pandora's box - sorry, that's not
what I meant at all
The horrible truth is the horrible truth
I just don't want to hurt either of you any more, but what is
done HAS to come out.
No more slickness or deviousness ..... just true honesty in
as unhurtful way as possible
(How noble! Really!!)
19 May 8:54 AM - John Smith: For you Debbie ....
I was never honest enough with you about why I engaged with
you the way I did
The truth is sordid and unkind, and you are an extremely
good person who deserves a billion times more.
19 May 8:56 AM - Debbie: John , you are saying what you want
Trudy to hear
I understand it, you are desperate
19 May 9:02 AM - John Smith: Trudy has said to me straight
that you deserve more than just an apology .... and that most of all, you
deserve dignity.
19 May 9:03 AM - John Smith: I am not gonna say anything
more for a while, so you don't think I am being slick or devious.
19 May 9:05 AM - Trudy North: John I think at some level you believe your own
lies.
19 May 9:05 AM - Trudy North: And I think you're fighting
for your job here and throwing Debbie under the bus to do that.
19 May 9:20 AM - Debbie: I think one of the lowest things
you did (must feature in the top 5!) was
use Trudy's lipstick size vibrator on me, twice!I should have known, I should have known
19 May 9:21 AM - Debbie: Sorry! The lid won't close.I am angry and hurt
19 May 9:27 AM - Trudy North: I agree. The violation of us
both through that is horrendous. And I bet you don't even know that
19 May 9:28 AM - Trudy North: I have had a Pandora's box
myself. Even called it that. Closing the lid feels better in the short term but
I'm learning in therapy that it doesn't really help longer term.
19 May 9:29 AM - Trudy North: Feeling through the pain is
more sustainable.
19 May 9:30 AM - Debbie: Thanks Trudy
19 May 9:31 AM - Trudy North: He tried to lie to me
yesterday by saying he has another one which is similar which he used.
19 May 9:32 AM - Trudy North: Why don't you send us a photo
this minute of them both together so you can prove there really are 2.
19 May 9:33 AM - Trudy North: Not later after you've spent a
few hours trawling sex shops to find another one.
19 May 9:33 AM - Trudy North: Remember I do have tracker on
your car
19 May 9:45 AM - Trudy North: Taking too long John . Another
lie exposed then. They just keep coming don't they
19 May 10:55 AM - John Smith: Debbie .... you probably wont
believe me, but I am not, have not and NEVER WILL contact your husband.
I am terribly sorry if you are scared that I might
For what its worth .... I promise NEVER to do anything like
that to you.
19 May 11:06 AM - Trudy North: I will back John on that one. One of his ex lovers did that to
him once and the consequences have been horrendous. Blew his family apart and
broke his kids. You're safe in this bit.
19 May 11:25 AM - Debbie: Thank you both, it's a weight off
(I no longer back John in this one. I have a recording of a conversation with my lawyer where he makes very real threats about what he will expose that would harm my career and my family. He will destroy anything and anyone for his own personal gain. He is a disgusting fucking monster! Nobody is safe - there's a Narc in the room!)
Pic of Vibrator sent
19 May 2:08 PM - Trudy North: John sent me this one. He says he can't find mine. John
,this one you bought and used on me
too.
19 May 2:09 PM - Trudy North: Mine looks just like this but
with a silver top, not black like this
one
19 May 2:10 PM - Trudy North: Stupid sordid conversation
But John, both have
been used by us. You using them with you and Debbie is disrespectful on a whole
other level.
19 May 2:11 PM - Trudy North: Your lying potentially exposed
us both to STDs too, without us knowing.
Or did you imagine that because I am exclusive to you, and Debbie to you and her husband, that somehow that would make it Ok?
19 May 2:12 PM - Debbie: I'm pretty sure the one we used was
maroon and silver.....
19 May 2:12 PM - Trudy North: Waves of horror in this story
keep hitting me.
19 May 2:13 PM - Trudy North: The silver version is mine. I
threw it into John s suitcase in The Bush when I realised what he had done but
he suddenly can't find it.
19 May 2:15 PM - Trudy North: If it has landed back in my
case somehow I will find it when I get home and send a picture. Both are more
red than maroon tho.
19 May 2:20 PM - Debbie: I mistook the dark red for maroon,
clearly mixing up my colour spectrum, it never had a black trim though.
19 May 2:21 PM - Debbie: I can't believe I just typed that,
feels like I have to prove something
19 May 2:29 PM - Trudy North: Fess up John . For fucks sakes.
19 May 8:25 PM - Trudy North: John you have been fucking another woman throughout
our relationship. You have told her you love her. You have told her you're with
me to protect your job. I remember your going to 'MEETINGS' at her workplace even in
our early days together. My memories of happy sexy loving times together have
all been desecrated by the sick knowledge that you were fucking her through it
all. I haven't just lost my lover. And my future. But my past as well. There is
no love in that act of yours at all. Don't ever say those words to me again.
19 May 8:25 PM - Trudy North: It's not about good or bad. I
am having to come to terms with the fact that the relationship I thought I was
in DIDN'T EVEN EXIST! !!
19 May 8:26 PM - Trudy North: You saw how much pain I went
through with painter girl. It was then that you had a chance to exit your
choices and recommit to me wholeheartedly. But all you resolved to do was cover
your tracks better.
19 May 8:28 PM - Trudy North: And when I found that sms from
Debbie 6 months ago you just lied. Covered it up. Got on with it. Saw my pain.
I think you even said 'why do I have the feeling I just got away with
something? '
19 May 8:30 PM - Trudy North: You did. You got away with so
much by deceiving me. Exploiting me. Exposing me to the most horrible feelings
of abandonment and betrayal over and over again. And lying your way out of it
to continue getting away with it.
19 May 8:31 PM - Trudy North: And each time I took you back
you promised to never do that again. Whilst you were all the while lining up
your next fuck. It's horrific
To keep doing that to someone you say you love.
19 May 8:36 PM - Trudy North: I am so angry that you would
damage me so much while I was trying so hard to heal. You should be paying for
the year of therapy I have been through. I'm spending time and money on healing
the stuff YOU broke on top of all the stuff that was broken already. Don't you
think I'd had enough abuse in my life already?
Did you really have to load on all this extra stuff for me to spend sifting
through and recovering from?
19 May 8:37 PM - Trudy North: I feel so angry I could shoot
you right now.
19 May 8:38 PM - Trudy North: You had no fucking right to do
this to me
20 May 4:27 AM - Trudy North: For you and me Debbie:
Some of you have seen the old movie Labyrinth with David Bowie. The girl is sent in a maze and must progress through difficulties, deceits, illusions, dreams and empty promises. At the end, she reaches the castle and confronts the sorcerer. Then, she realizes, everything was an illusion, a game. To break the spell and get out of the maze she tells him "You have no power over me." And that is all. The maze, the castle, the illusions crumble and she is back home.
20 May 8:42 PM - Trudy North:
“That which is to give light
Must endure burning.”
---Viktor Frankel
One day you wake up and you’re a skeleton.
You want to paste back on the substance that was you but you can’t find it in the ashes.
You reach in and pull out dust.
This is when you begin to understand that this is somehow the truth you were meant to find as a little girl who just wanted to be loved. This experience, this dance with the devil that scaled you down to the bones happened because it needed to. All of the things that brought you to the dance floor in the first place must be examined, turned over, and illuminated. You so want to find the light. You've been lost in the dark for so long...
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